The Amusement Park from Hell

It's back at the amusement park again. I went to Hershey Park last year and rode "Big Bear" with Mario and Michael. We just couldn't stop laughing. That was a fun amusement park. Made some great memories. I'm not in that kind of park anymore.
I'm in the scariest amusement park ever. It only has those rides that you can get on but never get off. It has the kind of rides that make you think you can conquer your fears only to find out your deepest fears only touch the physical depths of these rides.
It has a perpetual ferris wheel. I step on to it, secure myself, all the while knowing I'm not going to like the sensation but eventually it will stop. It just keeps on going and going, carts swinging, speed steady but never to stop. In my mind I know it could only end in disaster.
Then there is that zero gravity ride. Again, I step on and secure myself. I suspect a wild and scarey ride but then it will be over. So way, way, up I climb. I've got a view of the world. For a moment I feel so full of life with every emotion on edge. Then comes the drop. I start yelling profanities but all the while having trust that this out of control ride will stop. But it doesn't and the loss of air in my lungs, the rattling of my body, the screams from the bases of my lungs will only end in disaster.
Hey, now I see something that I am much more comfortable with. It's tha loop coaster. I've always loved that ride - Great Bear at Hershey Park was the last one I went on. As I like to refer to it, "The Great Memory." I step on again secure myself and continue to smile. As I always describe these loop coasters - "they are over so fast there is no time to be scared." Unfortunately this coaster did not live up to this expectation. The loops started and I laughed. They kept on going...three, four...five loops. Twenty, thirty, forty loops. I'm sick, I'm scared and I know it will only end in disasater.
OK. One more ride. It is named Cancer - "the slow ride to doom." This was one ride that I wanted to avoid. There were crowds around it but no one was willingly stepping on. People were being just swept in even though they did not want to go. I think the statistics on the ride say one out of five people will go on this ride whether they want to or not. Take care of yourself, eat healthy, exercise, don't drink, don't smoke. All these things work in your favor - if you do these things the less likely you will get swept into the ride. I obeyed but got swept into the ride anyway. And I'm still riding. Sometimes it's slow and steady, sometimes it is abrupt in its movement. There are times when it's going smooth but jolts me. I think I have control but I realize I am only fooled. I see some people able to jump of and save their lives. I am happy for them but sad for myself. The only thing that I am sure of, like all the other rides, this too will end in disaster.

I Apologize

I am issueing an apology to all my family and friends. Michael, Michelle, Jay, and Mario - I am espescially sorry. You suffer along with me. I've made you cry. I've made you worry. I've made you angry. You all know that I would never do anything to deliberately make anyone feel bad. But here I am - just my exhistence is causing emotional turmoil. There has been so much support, so much love, so much caring. But what do I give back? Bad news, complaints, and neediness. Here I am again. Back to chemotherapy tomorrow. I had a great three months for which I am issueing a thank you to all my friends and family. Michael, Michelle, Jay, and Mario - I am espescially thankful. But as the saying goes - "The party is over" and I am sorry. Michael, Michelle, Jay, and Mario - I am especially sorry.

It's After Me

Help me! There's a monster after me. Wait! It's a thief trying to steal my life. No, no, that's not right! It's a murderer trying to kill me. Not sure about that! Maybe it's Satan trying to test my faith. Hold on! It could be just the enemy trying to see me to my death. I can't get out, I can't escape, I can't breathe. I'm going to have to fight. What do I need for a weapon? First I need to figure out what is after me. Do I need a sword, a gun, or a crucifix? I hear people calling me - telling me to stay strong. Oh no, I see people crying - am I losing a battle - am I dying. I see blood, needles, tubing, bags of fluid. I'm scared!!! My head begins to spin then finally it comes to a stop. I focus my eyes and check out my surroundings. It's beginning to make sense. I am able to understand. I'm at Dana-Farber and my oncologist just told me the cancer in my liver is growing. The tumors are larger. Chemotherapy is my only hope. A tear falls from my cheek and I tell him I've built myself up, I'm strong...I'm going into battle to fight for my life.
So it wasn't a monster, thief, murderer, Satan, or an enemy. It is cancer that is after me! STINKING, ROTTEN, UGLY CANCER!!!!!

Worries

"Don't worry. Be happy." Ban these words. Protest against them. Freedom of speech does not pertain to anybody that sings, speaks, mutters, utters, yells, whispers or exclaims these words. Because anyone that believes these words lives in a vacuum - they must have no family or friends, no job, do not own a house or a car, and certainly do not have cancer. (Or maybe they are high or drunk) Sane, sober people would never let these words out of their mouth. Worries are a part of life for without worries there would be no anxiety, no stress, only a recreational need for benzodiazopans, and no wonderful feelings of relief.
Worry goes hand and hand with waiting. Ever wait for a child to come home, a phone call from the boy you gave your number to, the employer to call you after a job interview, the "big" envelope from your first choice college, or Santa on Christmas morning if you were a screaming brat all year. Good news gives way to feelings of elation and bad news to feelings of dispare.
I wait for tomorrow, for the results of my latest scan; a scan that was taken after 3 months of no chemotherapy. I'm worried. Good results will bring "moments" of elation. Then the worries will start again waiting for the cancer to wake up (knowing that someday it will). Bad results, well, you all know what bad results would bring. CHEMOTHERAPY!!! That's a big ugly word that fights a big ugly disease, that causes feelings of desparation. And with the chemotherapy will bring more worries. I will worry, my family will worry, my friends will worry, my doctors will worry. I will say I'm sorry to all of you for adding to the normal course of life's worries. I might even say to you "Don't worry. Be happy!" If I do then please tell me that I am full of sh#@.

Thank you God!

It's a beautiful Sunday morning! I'm just about ready to get up and go to Church. So much to be thankful for - that's right, there is so much to be thankful for in my life. I'll name some things, but in no particular order: family, friends, sunshine, intelligence, good job, good attitude, hair dye, designer clothes, thrift shops, personal training, books, Dana-Farber, cancer research, eye liner , mascara, and RED LIPSTICK! I'm sure the list can be longer but it's getting late and as I said, I've got to get ready for Church! Feel free to add - it's always good to take inventory of what makes this life tolerable, worthwhile, and/or fun. Today my prayers will be prayers of thanksgiving. Tomorrow...well, thats another day.

Pumped to Fight

I'm aiming to stay positive on this post. Sometimes it is like shooting at a target with a blindfold. I'm aiming but not getting close to the bull's eye. Other times I have the arrow in hand and stick it right in the center and through the other side. My aim is good tonight. I'm feeling strong and feeling alive. Even feeling invincible. Bring on that chemo, come on try to destroy me but I'm not going down. Cancer, don't mess with me because you'll see who you are messing with!
Working out with a trainer has lead me to this strength. I can't believe how a consistent work out schedule, complete with cardio, has been such a boost to my well being. Being away from chemo for 3 months adds to my feeling of strength but I'm not giving all the credit to my chemo break. If I did that it would mean I have no control over the way I feel. When you give up control you are bound to lose the battle. There will be a time when I will have to give it up but I assure you it will be after I've given it my all.
These last few work out sessions have been lessons learned. I can keep getting stronger. When I go back to treatment I will be well prepared to fight. These last few treadmill runs have been different too. I used to feel I was running from the cancer. My thinking has changed and now I picture myself chasing the cancer away.
I am strong - true. I am invincible - false. I am in control of how I feel and how I fight - It depends on the day. I hope to have more days like this!

Remember When

I think it is about time I write again. I don't think it is laziness. I think it is time management. With all the things there are to do in this world it is hard to fit everything in. Considering that my life has to be go, go, go taking time to stop, stop, stop and blog, blog, blog isn't easy, easy,easy. Alright! I'll stop the silliness and get right down to the post.
I've been having very sentimental thoughts lately. Especially when it comes to my children. They just grew so fast. I look at all three and get a huge case of the "remember whens" - Michelle, remember when you had the tantrum when you were about three and told me you wanted another mother and I calmly took you by the hand and you wanted to know where I was taking you . My reply, "oh honey, I would do anything to make you happy and if a new mother is what you want we are going out to find one." You have to admit that was a good one. Jay, remember our afternoon date to Pine Banks when there was ice and snow. I think you were four. We went to see if the peacock was still there and trying to take a shortcut down from that little hill we slid all the way down on our asses (I can say asses now because you are older) and we just couldn't stop laughing. Mario, remember when we were in Hershey one morning (just last summer) in the hotel and we were eating Hershey kisses for breakfast and daddy had to take the candy from us? Michelle, remember when we were in the big dressing room at Frugal Fannies and you pointed to a woman with very large breasts and said very loudly "look at the lady with the big boobs!" The whole dressing room heard you-even the lady with the big boobs! Jay, remember going to McDonald's every Wednesday afternoon and having to sit at the exact same table and order the exact same food. And the table was close to the door and everytime it opened I would be so cold. But I would never even think to sit anywhere else. Mario, remember reading Amelia Bedelia down the Cape and how we laughed when we saw the picture of how she "dressed the chicken." And Michael, I haven't forgotten about you - Remember when we were first married and we both called out sick from work and headed to New Hampshire. We walked the Flume and saw Clark's Bears.
We all have thousands and thousands of memories about growing up, raising our children, time with our spouses. I won't bore you with anymore of mine. But take this opportunity to think back on some of your favorite memories. I seem to always dwell on all the ugly things cancer gave me but cancer has given me a beautiful thing. It forced me to remember bits and pieces of happiness and learn how to rekindle the feelings. Let me add one other pearl of wisdom. You don't need to have cancer to do this.
So I'm going to stop writing and keep thinking...Michelle, remember the school picture you took when you put your own make-up on without telling me-lipstick and all. Like mother like daughter! I'll enjoy the rest of my thoughts in the privacy of my own mind. I hope you all do the same.