I really feel I need to write this now but I really feel that I need to rest my mind.. I really feel the love and support I get from family and friends and I really feel empathy for those that don't have it. I really feel that my life has had (and continues to have) a purpose. I really feel that if given more time I can always upgrade that purpose. I really feel that this world can be cruel and unfair but I really feel that there is something better after this. I really feel pain but then I really feel comfort. I really feel happy but feel sadness looming over me. Opposing emotions!!! Just what the f*&k do you do with them????? Oh, that sounded a little angry but it is an honest question. Let's just say that I am frustrated because I can't find an answer that will make me happy.
I've been squirming in my seat in an effort to find my comfort zone somewhere in the middle. But what I've decided over the last couple of days is that there really is no more comfort zone. Coping with the reality of a terminal disease has made me too in tune to how I feel. I get flooded with thoughts and feelings, not just randomly but simultaneously. The more I try to beat the sadness down, the farther in sadness I sink. The more I want the happiness to sustain me I find myself in tears.
Now here comes the part I really don't understand. I thank God for my turmoil everyday. I am alive and I really feel. I really see with eyes so open. But with that comes a price because I feel that I see truth. I see the truth about myself, my relationships, my life's goals. Lately I've been able to see the world go on without me. It brings some feelings of joy and happiness. I see that the world doesn't exist just because of me. I see that there will be lot's of fun times and new memories after I am gone. Life will not stop. I experience both sadness and happiness when I face the realities of life after Rosanne. I am ecstatic to still be alive and fighting but I am horrified at the thought that I will be saying good bye! But I find comfort in the thought that I will never truly leave you. My spirit will remain and I want everyone to share in that comfort. (Or maybe I just fantasize it is a comfort)
With that I will end this post. I began with a sense of anxiety. Writing and sharing gives me a sense of peace. And again I find two more opposite emotions.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
A Glorious Beach Day
It feels the best to feel completely alive! I just don't know how to explain it. My brain is as it should. I am having so much fun. Almost every one of my senses are active and acute. (I say almost because I always have that lingering neuropathy in my fingers. I guess nothing is really perfect.) But at the beach this weekend - I really felt the beach and lived the beach for the first time in a couple of years. Chemotherapy can really deaden your senses - but not this summer!
Now back to the beach. I really heard the ocean and all it's power again. I smelled the sea air and even the smell of seaweed brought a smile to my face. As there were complaints of too much seaweed on the beach I was able to chuckle and think "if that is your biggest annoyance then let your life go on." My ears were filled with muted conversations, squeals from children and adults alike as they ventured into the warm ocean water, radios blaring our beloved Red Sox' game, and the clear voices of friends and family making conversation and offering food and beverages. My eyes were wide open to look at the faces of new friends, old friends and family members all a year older and a year wiser, babies experiencing the sights and sounds of the ocean for the first time, and my beautiful strong Mario swimming out to the bouys with such stamina and confidence. Then how about the tastes of the beach. Yes! there are tastes. How about the ice cold Corona Light topped off with a lime, the salty snacks that everyone always seems to share, and the fresh fruit Ahh, nothing but refreshing!!!!! I felt the beach - I felt the pebbly, hot sand under my feet and on my hands, the cold of the ecean on my toes, that rock that you step on. Ouch, but oh such a good and familiar ouch. Then the sun, the wonderful, awesome feel of that miraculous ball of fire 93 million miles away! And who could not love the hugs and kisses of friends that we think about all year but tend to see on a seasonal basis. My senses were completely alive even though there was a little haze on my brain, not from chemo, but from the couple of bottles of Corona Light (comlete with lime). A haze that should be there on such a glorious day at Popponeset Beach.
As I was sitting there elated in my own world, some sadness with intertwined with warm memories crossed my mind. There were peole from years past that weren't there - Mr. and Mrs. Meuller who always took their late walk down the beach - Mr. Meuller who passed away a few years ago, then his wife not soon after. Then there were the Connely's. Mr. and Mrs. Connely were permanent features enjoying their house on the water. Both gone but the memory of them sitting on their deck, overlooking the ocean, greeting all as they entered the heavenly world just on the other side of the sea wall. Then Megan's father, Mr. Halloran. Although he has not been with us on this earth for many years his smiling face and talkative style passes through my mind. Jim Laroo, so young when he died. Husband of Lori, father of Greg and Kate. I remember many years ago about hearing the news of his brain tumor. - unable to do or say anything that could make things better. But I can still see him playing on the sand with his kids and mine and probably a few kids he didn't even know. Muriel Wade - another beautiful woman - she opened the beach, first one down there. Long gone but never to be forgotten. I think of the DeSimone's, Vera and Ted with memories that would make you cry because you felt such a connection. Vera, who never really went to the beach, and Ted, standing at the top of the seawall stairs as if overlooking his kingdom. And this year is was George Harris, Sr. Although sick for the last couple of years, he passed away last week. Friend, father, and grandfather. Physical prescence not there but his spirit will always live.
My senses were open, my thoughts were alive, my memories so clear. I thank my mother-in-law-and father-law for their foresight into the next generation in keeping their house at the beach not only for them but for their children and their spouses, their friends, their grandchildren, their granchildren's friends and on and on and on.
Although I have not traveled the world I cannot imagine a place more awesome than Popponeset Beach. A big thank you for Dr. Abrams, my oncologist who gave me the summer off from treatment so I can have "quality of life." He has a great understanding of quality vs. quantity - one that I share so immensely. Yes, I was there yesterday, at Popponest Beach, sporting my red lipstick and a periwinkle color two piece suit with my ghost right there sharing my whirling, hot, and sensational Corona laced mind.
Now back to the beach. I really heard the ocean and all it's power again. I smelled the sea air and even the smell of seaweed brought a smile to my face. As there were complaints of too much seaweed on the beach I was able to chuckle and think "if that is your biggest annoyance then let your life go on." My ears were filled with muted conversations, squeals from children and adults alike as they ventured into the warm ocean water, radios blaring our beloved Red Sox' game, and the clear voices of friends and family making conversation and offering food and beverages. My eyes were wide open to look at the faces of new friends, old friends and family members all a year older and a year wiser, babies experiencing the sights and sounds of the ocean for the first time, and my beautiful strong Mario swimming out to the bouys with such stamina and confidence. Then how about the tastes of the beach. Yes! there are tastes. How about the ice cold Corona Light topped off with a lime, the salty snacks that everyone always seems to share, and the fresh fruit Ahh, nothing but refreshing!!!!! I felt the beach - I felt the pebbly, hot sand under my feet and on my hands, the cold of the ecean on my toes, that rock that you step on. Ouch, but oh such a good and familiar ouch. Then the sun, the wonderful, awesome feel of that miraculous ball of fire 93 million miles away! And who could not love the hugs and kisses of friends that we think about all year but tend to see on a seasonal basis. My senses were completely alive even though there was a little haze on my brain, not from chemo, but from the couple of bottles of Corona Light (comlete with lime). A haze that should be there on such a glorious day at Popponeset Beach.
As I was sitting there elated in my own world, some sadness with intertwined with warm memories crossed my mind. There were peole from years past that weren't there - Mr. and Mrs. Meuller who always took their late walk down the beach - Mr. Meuller who passed away a few years ago, then his wife not soon after. Then there were the Connely's. Mr. and Mrs. Connely were permanent features enjoying their house on the water. Both gone but the memory of them sitting on their deck, overlooking the ocean, greeting all as they entered the heavenly world just on the other side of the sea wall. Then Megan's father, Mr. Halloran. Although he has not been with us on this earth for many years his smiling face and talkative style passes through my mind. Jim Laroo, so young when he died. Husband of Lori, father of Greg and Kate. I remember many years ago about hearing the news of his brain tumor. - unable to do or say anything that could make things better. But I can still see him playing on the sand with his kids and mine and probably a few kids he didn't even know. Muriel Wade - another beautiful woman - she opened the beach, first one down there. Long gone but never to be forgotten. I think of the DeSimone's, Vera and Ted with memories that would make you cry because you felt such a connection. Vera, who never really went to the beach, and Ted, standing at the top of the seawall stairs as if overlooking his kingdom. And this year is was George Harris, Sr. Although sick for the last couple of years, he passed away last week. Friend, father, and grandfather. Physical prescence not there but his spirit will always live.
My senses were open, my thoughts were alive, my memories so clear. I thank my mother-in-law-and father-law for their foresight into the next generation in keeping their house at the beach not only for them but for their children and their spouses, their friends, their grandchildren, their granchildren's friends and on and on and on.
Although I have not traveled the world I cannot imagine a place more awesome than Popponeset Beach. A big thank you for Dr. Abrams, my oncologist who gave me the summer off from treatment so I can have "quality of life." He has a great understanding of quality vs. quantity - one that I share so immensely. Yes, I was there yesterday, at Popponest Beach, sporting my red lipstick and a periwinkle color two piece suit with my ghost right there sharing my whirling, hot, and sensational Corona laced mind.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Living in a Delusion
I think I am living in some sort of delusional world. I was told I had a terminal cancer 2 yrs. 8 months ago. I was really sick. Then I had surgery and I was sicker. Then I had a portacath placed for chemotheray and I was scared. Then I started chemotherapy and I was sick. But I fought and fought and would do my best to feel good in between treatments. In my delusional world I would feel great everyother week, not realizing how sick I really was (am). I enjoyed vacations with my family, vacations with my friends, holidays that I hosted, holidays that I didn't host. I've gone out to dinners, laughed a lot, increased my exercise progam, and continued to work. I'd put that red listick on and strut around. I would feel like life is pretty good. All the while I would keep referring to my delusion and ask the questions "How can I be sick? Do I feel like a woman with a terminal cancer inside my body? Do I look like a woman with a terminal disease?"
I'm on my quality of life chemo break and am loving it!! I'm living my delusional life of not being ill. It's much easier when I don't have chemotherapy to think about. I'm making use of every minute. I don't want to waste a second. Many times throughout this early part of my break I've asked again "How can I be sick?"
I'm wishing to live this delusion until the end. But there are times when reality sneaks in - that little pain on my right side, the curly hair on my head, on Sundays at Mass. But most often I live the delusion of health. Everytime a commercial comes on TV about a cancer center I say cancer is for other people, not me. Everytime I feel that little pain in my side I blame it on sit-ups, and during nighttime prayers when I pray for others with cancer, not thinking to pray for myself.
But something happened while I was at yesterdays Red Sox game. Pre-game ceremonies included a tribute to the riders of the Pan-Mass Challenge, a fund-raising bike-ride across Massachusetts to benefit the Jimmy Fund. I turned to my husband and said "Do I really have a disease that is so bad that billions of dollars are raised for the goal of finding a cure?" In my mind, I felt a silence and a little chill run through my body on a glorious sun-filled afternoon at Fenway Park. I think at that moment a little reality snuck into my delusional world. So there I sat - wearing a tank top to to show off my new-found muscles, with styling goup in my hair to show-off my new found curls, leopard print shoes to show my style, and red lipstick that adds to my smile and the reality of my life was bringing it all to an ugly state. I looked at myself and thought "what are you trying to prove?" I looked at my husband and felt like crying for his loss. I was never so happy to hear the words "PLAY BALL". I was snatched from reality and put back into my delusional world. And what a great afternoon it was!!!!
I'm on my quality of life chemo break and am loving it!! I'm living my delusional life of not being ill. It's much easier when I don't have chemotherapy to think about. I'm making use of every minute. I don't want to waste a second. Many times throughout this early part of my break I've asked again "How can I be sick?"
I'm wishing to live this delusion until the end. But there are times when reality sneaks in - that little pain on my right side, the curly hair on my head, on Sundays at Mass. But most often I live the delusion of health. Everytime a commercial comes on TV about a cancer center I say cancer is for other people, not me. Everytime I feel that little pain in my side I blame it on sit-ups, and during nighttime prayers when I pray for others with cancer, not thinking to pray for myself.
But something happened while I was at yesterdays Red Sox game. Pre-game ceremonies included a tribute to the riders of the Pan-Mass Challenge, a fund-raising bike-ride across Massachusetts to benefit the Jimmy Fund. I turned to my husband and said "Do I really have a disease that is so bad that billions of dollars are raised for the goal of finding a cure?" In my mind, I felt a silence and a little chill run through my body on a glorious sun-filled afternoon at Fenway Park. I think at that moment a little reality snuck into my delusional world. So there I sat - wearing a tank top to to show off my new-found muscles, with styling goup in my hair to show-off my new found curls, leopard print shoes to show my style, and red lipstick that adds to my smile and the reality of my life was bringing it all to an ugly state. I looked at myself and thought "what are you trying to prove?" I looked at my husband and felt like crying for his loss. I was never so happy to hear the words "PLAY BALL". I was snatched from reality and put back into my delusional world. And what a great afternoon it was!!!!
Monday, June 7, 2010
In a New York Minute
In the blink of an eye my happiest moments turn into such sad feelings. Every laugh that I have turns quickly into tears. Even a simple smile makes it way upside down and turns into a frown. You see, I am living day to day, moment by moment, trying to take in all the day has to offer. But everytime I feel joy then I become sad. I am not able to sustain the good feelings. When I think I am loving life then I think of losing my life - very sad indeed.
I was playing with my beautiful son Mario this weekend. We were laughing, being silly, acting like we were the only two in the world just loving each others company. It was a moment that made life worth fighting for. But then he said "This is another memory that I will have when you pass away." Silence, sadness in our hearts. But in that blink of an eye we were back to our silliness.
So now I realize it can work both ways. I can turn off my sadness because there is more happiness to enjoy. I wish that is was as flowing as the "happiness to sadness" feelings. "Sadness to happiness" requires effort. Hapiness to sadness just happens. My son Mario is so brave when he faces the sadness he feels but goes on to live his life carrying his great burden. He has taught me a lot and just keeps teaching me about how to stop my sad thoughts and just move on. So it's happiness to sadness and back to happiness again. It's a cycle. Thank you Mario for showing me the way back to my life - to live for the moment.
Oh how life changes in the blink of an eye. How quickly parents who teach their children become parents who are taught by their children. In a New York Minute everything could change. How those lyrics by the Eagles ring so true.
One more thing - I love you Mario (And that is one thing that will never change even after I pass away.)
I was playing with my beautiful son Mario this weekend. We were laughing, being silly, acting like we were the only two in the world just loving each others company. It was a moment that made life worth fighting for. But then he said "This is another memory that I will have when you pass away." Silence, sadness in our hearts. But in that blink of an eye we were back to our silliness.
So now I realize it can work both ways. I can turn off my sadness because there is more happiness to enjoy. I wish that is was as flowing as the "happiness to sadness" feelings. "Sadness to happiness" requires effort. Hapiness to sadness just happens. My son Mario is so brave when he faces the sadness he feels but goes on to live his life carrying his great burden. He has taught me a lot and just keeps teaching me about how to stop my sad thoughts and just move on. So it's happiness to sadness and back to happiness again. It's a cycle. Thank you Mario for showing me the way back to my life - to live for the moment.
Oh how life changes in the blink of an eye. How quickly parents who teach their children become parents who are taught by their children. In a New York Minute everything could change. How those lyrics by the Eagles ring so true.
One more thing - I love you Mario (And that is one thing that will never change even after I pass away.)
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I'm a ghost again. Watched my husband and son get ready for a wedding that was on MY side of the family. But I'm sick with Chemo. I can't go so my ghost get restless and went anyway. Saw my family asking Michael "how are you doing?", Are you doing OK with Mario", "Is it hard to live alone?" Michael was right to the point in answering these questions - "no", fine,", "Not so much hard but different." As he's answering the questions his mind is not there. All he keeps thinking about is that he just buried his wife last week, what am I doing at this "f#$%ing wedding!" My ghost yells "I'm with you baby but I miss you terribly." You see that when I'm a ghost nobody can see me or hear me but somtimes they feel your prescene. I think Michael did because I saw him smile for no apparent reason after I said those words. Be it me on this earth or my ghostly spirit Michael and I will always be connected. Our life together has been fun, stressful, full of suprises, complicated, and deep. We survived major crises and we lived through my illness to the very end. Dear Michael, if you can feel my spirit or hear my words I want you to know that I will always love you and my ghost will always be there to support you. We will stay connected forever.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Irony
Everyday that I work have the privilege of seeing pieces of the lives of others. Many of these people live uncertain lives in what I feel is a very uncertain world. Very often I wonder what drives them to go on, what makes them successful, what makes them resilient.
These people have names, faces, and feelings. Are they American born or immigrants. If immigrints are they legal or illegal? Are they litterate or illiterate? Did they graduate fom college or did they stop school in 5th grade? The truth is, I really don't care what the answers are to these questions. They are all human beings in need of some sort of "health care" that I have been destined to provide. Social statistics are irrelevant.
In this blog I don't feel the need to talk about my cancer. I have been given many gifts - intelligence, compassion, tolerance, and patience. These gifts are what has allowed me to do the work that I do and as a result of my vocation to stand in awe of those that suffer, survive and even come out on top. I stand to learn a lot from those that elevate me to a status that I do not feel worthy. Isn't it ironic?
These people have names, faces, and feelings. Are they American born or immigrants. If immigrints are they legal or illegal? Are they litterate or illiterate? Did they graduate fom college or did they stop school in 5th grade? The truth is, I really don't care what the answers are to these questions. They are all human beings in need of some sort of "health care" that I have been destined to provide. Social statistics are irrelevant.
In this blog I don't feel the need to talk about my cancer. I have been given many gifts - intelligence, compassion, tolerance, and patience. These gifts are what has allowed me to do the work that I do and as a result of my vocation to stand in awe of those that suffer, survive and even come out on top. I stand to learn a lot from those that elevate me to a status that I do not feel worthy. Isn't it ironic?
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Thank You!
Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle goes my stomach, tingle, tingle, tingle through my fingers and toes,, ouch, ouch, ouch evertime I brush my teeth - just sounds of my everyday life. Thank you chemotherapy!
Every other weekend losing 5 days of my life - Thank you chemotherapy!
Loosing my hair then having it grow back different than my own - Thank you chemotherapy!
Being too sick to attend events and parties - Thank you Chemotherapy!
Anixiety to the point of insomnia every other Thursday - Thank you chemotherapy!
Having a port-a-cath implanted in my chest that is a constant reminder of my disease - Thank you chemotherapy!
Do I sound angry? - maybe. Do I sound grateful ?- I think not! Do I sound sarcastic? - most likely.
Have you ever thought you couldn't live without something (or someone). Usually it's a material desire, a beloved friend or family member, or a God of some type. It could be any type of want. In any case when I've ever said I can't live without something it is usually a positive image.
Now I have another "can't live without". This one I didn't choose. This one is not positive, but I'm told it is the only thing that will keep me alive. So I'll say it out loud "I can't live without chemotherapy." Why? Well just let me say "Thank you cancer!" Stupid Cancer
Every other weekend losing 5 days of my life - Thank you chemotherapy!
Loosing my hair then having it grow back different than my own - Thank you chemotherapy!
Being too sick to attend events and parties - Thank you Chemotherapy!
Anixiety to the point of insomnia every other Thursday - Thank you chemotherapy!
Having a port-a-cath implanted in my chest that is a constant reminder of my disease - Thank you chemotherapy!
Do I sound angry? - maybe. Do I sound grateful ?- I think not! Do I sound sarcastic? - most likely.
Have you ever thought you couldn't live without something (or someone). Usually it's a material desire, a beloved friend or family member, or a God of some type. It could be any type of want. In any case when I've ever said I can't live without something it is usually a positive image.
Now I have another "can't live without". This one I didn't choose. This one is not positive, but I'm told it is the only thing that will keep me alive. So I'll say it out loud "I can't live without chemotherapy." Why? Well just let me say "Thank you cancer!" Stupid Cancer
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