My last post was over a month ago. My mind has been racing and when this happens, putting thoughts down in words in any coherent fashion just gets so complicated. But here is my attempt.
- My mind can't help thinkng about two friends also fighting cancer - Alexander (18 months) and Mike (about my age) - keep them in your thoughts and prayers. And a friend that lost her husband through cancer just about a year ago - keep Kelly and her 3 children in your thoughts and prayers as well. And while I'm on the subject - just found out that a friend of mine from my previous support group has run out of options - will you keep Doug and his wife Betty in those prayers as well. Oh, and add my sister's husband - keep Wade in your thoughts and prayers. Then I just got a call from a friend, asking me to call a friend of hers to offer support because this friend a of a friend has just recieved a cancer diagnosis. Then my friend Heather who continues to battle stage 4 breast cancer - this woman is awesome, actually started her own support group when she couldn't find one that was able to meet her needs. A few more prayers for her please. And just one more person - someone who found me on line (most likely through this blog) who lives way up in Alberta, Canada. She honored me by asking me to be her mentor through her cancer journey. We do have a lot in common. Her name is Wafa. Please add her to your prayer list.
Then there are the many people who I see at Dana-Farber. Week after week of chemo is very draining on me but watching those at Dana-Farber fighting their own battle with cancer is inspiring. Please send prayers to all those nameless people as well.
Most people that are reading this can add to my list. Most people have a cancer story or two or three or four etc., etc.,. As I've said before, I see such examples of strength in other people and they just keep on going. I'm going to venture that what gets them through is the love, support and prayers from their friends and family. Also from the prayers of strangers, friends of friends of friends.
Cancer is not the only disease in this world that causes suffereing. It is one of many of the horrible afflictions that make valliant attempts to wear down the mind and the body. There is heart disease, brain injury, degenerative nervous system diseases. With this cold, cold weather upon us I think about those without shelter of their own. In these rough economic times I think of those without food and without gainful employment. Friends and family, please offer your prayerful expressions to them. On and on the list can go - mental illness, what a demon it is!!! Those that fight wars, families of those that fight wars - keep that stream of prayers coming.
I don't think life was really meant to be easy. Sometimes I wonder if it is just meant to be tolerable. Then I open my eyes and arms really, really, really wide and see love, feel good thoughts, and understand the value of prayers.
Sharing in eachother's joys and sorrows is the glue that bonds us all together. Where are the joys in this blog entry - an upcoming Franciscan Children's Hospital reunion, a night out with family at Fuddrucker's, a new and satisfying job for my daughter, my Women's Health Group at work, a friend's daughter's wedding, a new baby, lipstick... I should probably elaborate on these kind of things on the next post. But I mention them now because I know they are there.
I just composed a blog entry - I see a flight of ideas but I do see some common threads. So as my son is being taught in 6th grade language arts - end with a clinching statement to pull everything together. Can anybody think of one????
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Old Life / New Life
I so badly want my old life back. This thought hits me in the morning when I go back to bed after Mario heads off to school. I would love to be getting dressed and going to work. I feel it after I wake up. Just taking a shower, getting dressed, and putting on lipstick should not be followed by a nap. Can't stand not having energy. I long for my old life when Mario gets home from school and I don't have the strength or the clear thought processes to work with him on his homework. Oh, how I wish I could celebrate, I mean really go out and celebrate my daughter, Michelle for her new job in Public Relations and my son , Gennaro (Jay) nailing down a job in finance 3 months before graduation. Over the weekend my husband did the housework, carted Mario where he needed to go, and put up the outside Christmas Lights. Oh to have my old life - to enjoy the mundane as well as the occasions that call for celebration. I missed Mario's basketball game and with this thought I long for my old life. Tried to work-out a little, just at my home. Nausea and fatigue followed. Oh, how my life used to be different!
I am very sad that I have treatment every week! It keeps me from living my old life. Not a fast paced, jet setting, magazine style life. Just the everyday things that I once took for granted. Work, housecleaning, homework time, family celebrations, kids sports, church, and excersize seem to be the things I long for. Life before chemo - It teased me for the last couple of weeks. I continue to lament about quality vs. quantity.
For every piece of my old life that I did not appreciate, for every friend and family member that I overlooked, for every day to day task that I complained about I feel the need to be apologetic. For all were the best in my life. Lessons learned through my cancer journey have been very simple, humbling, and profound. I really had it as good as it gets.
I am not being ungreatful for the things I have now or the things I gained as cancer continues to take its course. There is a different kind of closeness with my friends and family; I am sincerely greatful for all my human interactions; the days I make it to Mario's games are never met with "oh, do I have to go"; the good conversations with Michelle and Jay are replayed in my mind over and over; if I go out to exercise or work I am taken back by how it normalizes my life; and looking at my husband with sincere gratitude fills me with satisfaction.
Today I will try to appreciate the things my new life brought me and stop feeling sorry for myself because I can't have the old life. I will do this right after I take a little nap. Posting really makes me tired.
I am very sad that I have treatment every week! It keeps me from living my old life. Not a fast paced, jet setting, magazine style life. Just the everyday things that I once took for granted. Work, housecleaning, homework time, family celebrations, kids sports, church, and excersize seem to be the things I long for. Life before chemo - It teased me for the last couple of weeks. I continue to lament about quality vs. quantity.
For every piece of my old life that I did not appreciate, for every friend and family member that I overlooked, for every day to day task that I complained about I feel the need to be apologetic. For all were the best in my life. Lessons learned through my cancer journey have been very simple, humbling, and profound. I really had it as good as it gets.
I am not being ungreatful for the things I have now or the things I gained as cancer continues to take its course. There is a different kind of closeness with my friends and family; I am sincerely greatful for all my human interactions; the days I make it to Mario's games are never met with "oh, do I have to go"; the good conversations with Michelle and Jay are replayed in my mind over and over; if I go out to exercise or work I am taken back by how it normalizes my life; and looking at my husband with sincere gratitude fills me with satisfaction.
Today I will try to appreciate the things my new life brought me and stop feeling sorry for myself because I can't have the old life. I will do this right after I take a little nap. Posting really makes me tired.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Thanksgiving - My Saving Grace
It has been a while since I wrote but now I feel the need. I can't help but to contemplate the "quality vs. quantity" question that keeps bothering my brain. I don't just think it in those words but there are so many thoughts and questions to contemplate - all that bring me to "quality vs. quantity." These thoughts include "you are strong so keep fighting this thing", "what are you trying to prove", " does this make sense", "with a good scan I have to keep going," how much longer can I live this tortured life", " I don't want to check out earlier than I have too.", "How much more can I take", "is all this post-chemo reactions really giving me life", "these decisions are just too hard", what is best for my family"...and on and on my mind will race.
For me, sleeping is the only thing that can calm these racing thoughts. Thankfully these days sleepings comes easily, as a side effect of the chemo and anti-drugs. But it only helps me to avoid big time thoughts and decisions. But it can be such a peaceful state - free from pain, worry, and cares. So I wonder more if death will be like a peaceful sleep. Slow down brain because I really don't want to go there. So I remember that I just need to live a little at a time so that life doesn't feel so overwhelming. I've got something to get me through the month of November - I look forward to Thanksgiving. And yes, Thanksgiving at my house, as has been the tradition for many years. So I know that I will be safe in November because I've got a show to put on. I understand that the ghosts will most likely appear, but over these last couple of weeks, they have been appearing at a frightful rate anyway.
So back to where I started - "quality vs. quantity" - It just depends on the day, depends on the mood, depends upon how much reality I can escape. For I feel a very deteriorated quality of life. But now I have Thanksgiving to focus on - the holiday, the tradition, my family, the food. And yes, there will be wine to drink which can drown the sound of the whine in my heart. And as an added bonus - I have the Friday after Thanksgiving off from any chemotherapy - Thank you again Thanksgiving.
For me, sleeping is the only thing that can calm these racing thoughts. Thankfully these days sleepings comes easily, as a side effect of the chemo and anti-drugs. But it only helps me to avoid big time thoughts and decisions. But it can be such a peaceful state - free from pain, worry, and cares. So I wonder more if death will be like a peaceful sleep. Slow down brain because I really don't want to go there. So I remember that I just need to live a little at a time so that life doesn't feel so overwhelming. I've got something to get me through the month of November - I look forward to Thanksgiving. And yes, Thanksgiving at my house, as has been the tradition for many years. So I know that I will be safe in November because I've got a show to put on. I understand that the ghosts will most likely appear, but over these last couple of weeks, they have been appearing at a frightful rate anyway.
So back to where I started - "quality vs. quantity" - It just depends on the day, depends on the mood, depends upon how much reality I can escape. For I feel a very deteriorated quality of life. But now I have Thanksgiving to focus on - the holiday, the tradition, my family, the food. And yes, there will be wine to drink which can drown the sound of the whine in my heart. And as an added bonus - I have the Friday after Thanksgiving off from any chemotherapy - Thank you again Thanksgiving.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Moderation
It's 7:30 AM, got Mario off too school (I just love that kid), and I am lying here feeling a mess. I keep saying. "Get up and make yourself move" "Why aren't you working today?" Why aren't you at the gym?" "Shouldn't you be doing housework?" But there is complete exhaustion at this point. And all I did was wake up with my husband and Mario, get Mario breakfast, made him lunch, told him to brush his teeth, and kiss him good-bye. Could anyone guess...possibly 100 calories expelled. But I have no energy! I also have hair that continues to fall out in small chunks, skin that is peeling off my face, and lips that feel so swollen because I have mouth sores in the inner part. And that is only what is wrong with my head and my face! (Not even near a complete physical exam.)
My mind continues to talk with two different voices - one is telling me get up, don't go back to sleep, the day is just starting, you'll feel better if you just make yourself stay up. And at what cost - possibly a great day with me dancing on the rooftop saying that all I needed was a little push. The other part is watching me dance on the rooftop, calling me a fool, and watching me tumble down to the ground and add to my self-deprecating feelings.
Unfortunately there is no way to "will" yourself to wellness. I keep trying to do that and when it works I'll let you all in on the secret. What a great Nurse Practitioner I would be if I could teach my patients to will themselves to wellness. What a gimmick! Could they will themselves to thinness, will themselves to strength, will themselves to beauty, maybe even will themselves to equality. (W0w, Will yourself to equality - that is something to ponder, but I'll save that for another time. I think my brain is too tired to ponder right now.)
There has got to be something positive to be said for that pull yourself up by your bootstraps, a good kick in the pants to get yourself going, not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself attitude. But if you don't tread slowly and carefully then you'll end up falling off the roof that you just saw yourself dancing.
Everything in life is a balancing act. Everything in moderation. You need goals but you also need reality in those goals. This is the way I plan to get through the rest of my life. (At least this is today's plan) Set up small goals - each small goal should get you closer to a large one. Now I need a short nap - My ultimate goal is to get out of the house today and accomplish some sort of errand. How will I do this - just put one foot in front of the other. Get up after my nap, take a shower, clean all my hair out of the drain, brush my teeth, get hold of myself once the stinging from the toothpaste on the mouthsores subside, then time for makeup to cover the skin problems created by chemo, and lastly put on my red lipstick in an effort to look like I have sexy, botox injected lips instead of just covering up some of the cosmetic damage from the internal mouthsores. Within these steps I have to remember to put some clothes on to cover this body that has been recently neglected by lack of exercise.
I didn't want this post to be negative. I was really hoping it would tell everyone that I was dancing on rooftops, dressed to the nines wearing a great big red lipstick smile despite the way chemotheray and cancer dance in my body. Unfortunately I'm not there yet. I'll try to be easy on myself, and try to intellectualize the effects of chemotherapy on the body and the mind. But as all things should come in moderation but my chemotherapy has not. I've been on chemotherapy, almost consistently, for the past three years and now I have this power schedule of chemo every week. That's not moderation. That's total immersion. So now I have a bright side to end this entry. The amount of chetherapy I've had is enough to kill anyone. But I'm still very much alive, still trying to fight to have a normal life. I'm just a little slower and a little tireder than before. So the nap sounds good but I promise all my friends and family that I will be awake later finding something else to beat myself up about.
My mind continues to talk with two different voices - one is telling me get up, don't go back to sleep, the day is just starting, you'll feel better if you just make yourself stay up. And at what cost - possibly a great day with me dancing on the rooftop saying that all I needed was a little push. The other part is watching me dance on the rooftop, calling me a fool, and watching me tumble down to the ground and add to my self-deprecating feelings.
Unfortunately there is no way to "will" yourself to wellness. I keep trying to do that and when it works I'll let you all in on the secret. What a great Nurse Practitioner I would be if I could teach my patients to will themselves to wellness. What a gimmick! Could they will themselves to thinness, will themselves to strength, will themselves to beauty, maybe even will themselves to equality. (W0w, Will yourself to equality - that is something to ponder, but I'll save that for another time. I think my brain is too tired to ponder right now.)
There has got to be something positive to be said for that pull yourself up by your bootstraps, a good kick in the pants to get yourself going, not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself attitude. But if you don't tread slowly and carefully then you'll end up falling off the roof that you just saw yourself dancing.
Everything in life is a balancing act. Everything in moderation. You need goals but you also need reality in those goals. This is the way I plan to get through the rest of my life. (At least this is today's plan) Set up small goals - each small goal should get you closer to a large one. Now I need a short nap - My ultimate goal is to get out of the house today and accomplish some sort of errand. How will I do this - just put one foot in front of the other. Get up after my nap, take a shower, clean all my hair out of the drain, brush my teeth, get hold of myself once the stinging from the toothpaste on the mouthsores subside, then time for makeup to cover the skin problems created by chemo, and lastly put on my red lipstick in an effort to look like I have sexy, botox injected lips instead of just covering up some of the cosmetic damage from the internal mouthsores. Within these steps I have to remember to put some clothes on to cover this body that has been recently neglected by lack of exercise.
I didn't want this post to be negative. I was really hoping it would tell everyone that I was dancing on rooftops, dressed to the nines wearing a great big red lipstick smile despite the way chemotheray and cancer dance in my body. Unfortunately I'm not there yet. I'll try to be easy on myself, and try to intellectualize the effects of chemotherapy on the body and the mind. But as all things should come in moderation but my chemotherapy has not. I've been on chemotherapy, almost consistently, for the past three years and now I have this power schedule of chemo every week. That's not moderation. That's total immersion. So now I have a bright side to end this entry. The amount of chetherapy I've had is enough to kill anyone. But I'm still very much alive, still trying to fight to have a normal life. I'm just a little slower and a little tireder than before. So the nap sounds good but I promise all my friends and family that I will be awake later finding something else to beat myself up about.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
No Life
I'm watching the world go by me, trying to join in, hoping to feel happiness, wishing to feel something. But I feel like the ghost again, hovering over a world in which I am not a part. You see may see me. Today someone at Dana-Farber told me I really looked pretty, I had someone tell me I looked youthful, someone else said "can you believe it, I'd never pick you in a crowd as someone with cancer." I go to the mirror to look what people see and it is only a very tired shell of a person that wears red lipstick to appear as someone with life.
Is it all that chemotherapy in my system that makes me feel so unreal? Maybe it's the unbearable tiredness. It could be just this mad depression that I will go to my grave denying. Or could it be true that I am really a ghost. Because if it is really true that I have to have this chemotherapy every week I can never be me again. I'm so glad I got to shine this summer because the ghost that I am is not really me. The contrast is almost too sad to bear.
Is it all that chemotherapy in my system that makes me feel so unreal? Maybe it's the unbearable tiredness. It could be just this mad depression that I will go to my grave denying. Or could it be true that I am really a ghost. Because if it is really true that I have to have this chemotherapy every week I can never be me again. I'm so glad I got to shine this summer because the ghost that I am is not really me. The contrast is almost too sad to bear.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Stupid Gift of Cancer
By now most of my readers should know the results of my scan. If not I will sum things up as they stand. Tumors are growing so I need more chemo. (Call me or check facebook for details) Although it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination I try to focus on the positive. I searched for something positive in my scan results so I started by thinking "at least it didn't go to my brain." But I could only recieve comfort from that for so long. Weekly trips to Dana-Farber are about to begin. Is there something positive - Oh yeah, I really like to talk to my nurses and Dr. Abrams, my oncologist, is a great guy. That thought was dashed very quickly from my mind. The reality is that because I will be on a clinical trial I will meet with research team doctors and nurses - all of whom I do not know. I guess there is something good in that because I will meet more wonderful Dana-Farber staff. How about this - because I will need so many rides into Dana-Farber I will get to see different friends and family, as I impinge on their generosity and time for rides, on a frequent rotating basis. Then I thought about the many fun times I've had with friends and family and we weren't even going to Dana-Farber for treatment. And this is where the "aha" moment hit me. It was easy and made perfect sense. I would do a type of thought stopping and substitute any negative thoughts with a happy memory from this past summer. I'd like to share some of those happy thoughts. (They are in no particular order.)
1. Michael, Mario, and I staying at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas. We were really rocking.
2. Inside the Hoover Dam with Mario and Michael. Mario was so fescinated he was able to tell you exactly how the generators worked when we finished the tour.
3. Also the helicoter ride over Lake Mead and the Hoover Dam. I was with Mario and he was speechless with awe. And as his mother of his eleven years, I have never seen him speechless.
4. With Mario and also with Maria, her two boys and my brother-in-law Carl- Aerosmith at Fenway. I reminded Mario that peole always remember their first concert. His memory will be Aerosmith at Fenway with his mother!!! I think that is pretty funny.
5. Early summer, I was invited to Betty's pool. Of course, I took the liberty of inviting Kathy. Mario again was with us. I brought a bottle of wine. It was 1PM...well fast forward to 7PM, Betty, Mario, and I still at the pool with three empty bottles of wine. Mario was just very polite asking "Mom. when you finish that glass of wine will you please come in the pool with me.
6. Michelle and I had quite a few days of shopping our "special stores."
7. With Joann met Sarah in Kittery and had such a nice supper, overlooking a little ocean inlet.
8. How can I forget Baltimore - Jen, Joann, Anna, Lisa, Irene, and myself - we ate, drank, and laughed over and over again. By the way, Joann was very brave and with some assistance from ativan and friends she flew for the first time in over a dozen years.
9. Anna, Carole, Lorraine - we had wine and or'derves with Debbie on her front porch. The view - my house. You don't have to travel far to have a nice evening.
10. Another Magical evening with Maria on Fourth of July. There was sangria, food, Michael, TJ, Nick, and Carl. I also made a new friend. Fireworks, friends, food, and family are a priceless combination.
11. The many weekends down the Cape, spending time with my kind and generous in-laws (Adeline, Gerry, Sofia, and Ernie) and my beautiful neice Jenna and handsome nephew Evan. Family has been everything.
12. My brother Steve turned 50 and my mother turned 80 this summer. A family backyard barbecue at my parents was a great event.
13. My gorgeous 17 year old neice Angela was baptised into her Church. I missed the Baptism, I was very late for the party but I had great conversation with my brother, his wife, and two of their friends from their church. And I think I might have convincd someone to stop being afraid and to get a screening colonoscopy.
15. The Lea Sophia jewelry party that never was - The jewelry lady cancelled but Lisa still hosted her party without the jewelry but with plenty of food, wine, and friends.
16. I told you this list is in no particular order - I'm back at the Cape, it is beginning of summer, the beach is crowded, so everyone sits as one happy group. Corona Lights (the signature drink of my summer), and all my Cape friends and family...This was a perfect beach day.
17. I managed to get five flat tires this summer - one on the way to the Cape, one on the way home from the Cape, one on my way to Church, and two on my way to the gym. Thank you Triple A, Jimmy (Tammy's husband), Dom, Julia, Michael, and Michael again. (Not a fun memory, but a memory none-the-less.)
18. Seeing Michael Flanagan (mrf) perform. His proud mother, his beautiful sister, my beautiful daughter, and her devoted boyfriend were all there. Michael was playing the piano and at that point a transvestite was singing. I looked at my daughter and said "Being in a gay bar, with my daughter, her boyfriend, and friends from the Cape, watching Michael play with a drag queen singing has to be one of the oddest, funniest, and happiest memories of the summer.
19. Meeting Michelle for lunch on Newbury Street - I got through the security in her building just by saying that I know she works in administration, she has long dark hair and she is very, very pretty. The security guard knew exactly who I meant and he sent me to the fourth floor.
20. Now I'm back in Vegas - so sorry for the confusing list. My son Jay and three of his friends met us there. I did not see Jay without a smile on his face.
21. (We'll stay in Las Vegas) Riding thrill rides with Mario and Michael.
22. And visiting the pawn shop where "Pawn Stars" is filmed and seeing the old man. That was quite a thrill to see a real movie star.
23. I'm going to add "working a lot" in my happy memories. Anna, Nick, and Vivian are the greatest people to share an office with. Nick and I worked on "Chlamydia, the Musical." Vivian and I learned that a ride in my convertible at lunch time rejuvanated us for the afternoon. And Anna we are more beautiful than Nick. Oh yeah, we saw patients as well.
24. Anna taught me how to do minor surgery - Does anyone need an ingrown toenail to be cut?
25. My friend Nancy, her baby is very sick with cancer - that is very sad, but going out for tea in China Town and having dinner at the Horseshoe Cafe were supportive times for the both of us. We also had more than a few laughs (like normal people) as well.
26. You can't have a summer without the Red Sox - Michael and I went for our 26th wedding anniversary - Yeah!! Then I went with Vivan and Carol from work and my son Mario. We missed the top of the first because we were running late and when we got into Fenway the score was 6-0 Reds Sox losing. I continue to cheer when I see Tim Wakefield.
27. The Fisherman's Feast where Michael, Mario, and I went with Deb and Bruce and met up with Maryann and her family - a wonderful reunion and celebration of Michael's birthday.
28. St. Anthony's feast where I met many of my North End facebook friends. And seeing Frankie-I love you! And you bear part of the responsibility of getting Michael and I together. And in pure Frankie style, said to my daughter's boyfriend Travis "you owe me." Stephanie - great to see you out of gym clothes.
29. I also can appreciate feeling healthy and strong. Steve, Chris, Melanie, Drew, Krista, and Susan (who I feel I have to include) were all part of my "work-out happiness at 6AM.
30. Lunch at the Langham with Maria. It's always magical when I'm with Maria.
I'm sure I missed some of happy times in my life with a chemo-free summer and missed some of the names that should be in this post. But I am only human. If I wasn't human I wouldn't have this stupid cancer. So I'll end this post, put on another application of red lipstick and smile as I review this summer. Sometimes bad things open your eyes really wide to the good things - Could that be a gift from cancer. Even if it is, I believe from the deepest part of my heart and soul that cancer is still stupid.
1. Michael, Mario, and I staying at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas. We were really rocking.
2. Inside the Hoover Dam with Mario and Michael. Mario was so fescinated he was able to tell you exactly how the generators worked when we finished the tour.
3. Also the helicoter ride over Lake Mead and the Hoover Dam. I was with Mario and he was speechless with awe. And as his mother of his eleven years, I have never seen him speechless.
4. With Mario and also with Maria, her two boys and my brother-in-law Carl- Aerosmith at Fenway. I reminded Mario that peole always remember their first concert. His memory will be Aerosmith at Fenway with his mother!!! I think that is pretty funny.
5. Early summer, I was invited to Betty's pool. Of course, I took the liberty of inviting Kathy. Mario again was with us. I brought a bottle of wine. It was 1PM...well fast forward to 7PM, Betty, Mario, and I still at the pool with three empty bottles of wine. Mario was just very polite asking "Mom. when you finish that glass of wine will you please come in the pool with me.
6. Michelle and I had quite a few days of shopping our "special stores."
7. With Joann met Sarah in Kittery and had such a nice supper, overlooking a little ocean inlet.
8. How can I forget Baltimore - Jen, Joann, Anna, Lisa, Irene, and myself - we ate, drank, and laughed over and over again. By the way, Joann was very brave and with some assistance from ativan and friends she flew for the first time in over a dozen years.
9. Anna, Carole, Lorraine - we had wine and or'derves with Debbie on her front porch. The view - my house. You don't have to travel far to have a nice evening.
10. Another Magical evening with Maria on Fourth of July. There was sangria, food, Michael, TJ, Nick, and Carl. I also made a new friend. Fireworks, friends, food, and family are a priceless combination.
11. The many weekends down the Cape, spending time with my kind and generous in-laws (Adeline, Gerry, Sofia, and Ernie) and my beautiful neice Jenna and handsome nephew Evan. Family has been everything.
12. My brother Steve turned 50 and my mother turned 80 this summer. A family backyard barbecue at my parents was a great event.
13. My gorgeous 17 year old neice Angela was baptised into her Church. I missed the Baptism, I was very late for the party but I had great conversation with my brother, his wife, and two of their friends from their church. And I think I might have convincd someone to stop being afraid and to get a screening colonoscopy.
15. The Lea Sophia jewelry party that never was - The jewelry lady cancelled but Lisa still hosted her party without the jewelry but with plenty of food, wine, and friends.
16. I told you this list is in no particular order - I'm back at the Cape, it is beginning of summer, the beach is crowded, so everyone sits as one happy group. Corona Lights (the signature drink of my summer), and all my Cape friends and family...This was a perfect beach day.
17. I managed to get five flat tires this summer - one on the way to the Cape, one on the way home from the Cape, one on my way to Church, and two on my way to the gym. Thank you Triple A, Jimmy (Tammy's husband), Dom, Julia, Michael, and Michael again. (Not a fun memory, but a memory none-the-less.)
18. Seeing Michael Flanagan (mrf) perform. His proud mother, his beautiful sister, my beautiful daughter, and her devoted boyfriend were all there. Michael was playing the piano and at that point a transvestite was singing. I looked at my daughter and said "Being in a gay bar, with my daughter, her boyfriend, and friends from the Cape, watching Michael play with a drag queen singing has to be one of the oddest, funniest, and happiest memories of the summer.
19. Meeting Michelle for lunch on Newbury Street - I got through the security in her building just by saying that I know she works in administration, she has long dark hair and she is very, very pretty. The security guard knew exactly who I meant and he sent me to the fourth floor.
20. Now I'm back in Vegas - so sorry for the confusing list. My son Jay and three of his friends met us there. I did not see Jay without a smile on his face.
21. (We'll stay in Las Vegas) Riding thrill rides with Mario and Michael.
22. And visiting the pawn shop where "Pawn Stars" is filmed and seeing the old man. That was quite a thrill to see a real movie star.
23. I'm going to add "working a lot" in my happy memories. Anna, Nick, and Vivian are the greatest people to share an office with. Nick and I worked on "Chlamydia, the Musical." Vivian and I learned that a ride in my convertible at lunch time rejuvanated us for the afternoon. And Anna we are more beautiful than Nick. Oh yeah, we saw patients as well.
24. Anna taught me how to do minor surgery - Does anyone need an ingrown toenail to be cut?
25. My friend Nancy, her baby is very sick with cancer - that is very sad, but going out for tea in China Town and having dinner at the Horseshoe Cafe were supportive times for the both of us. We also had more than a few laughs (like normal people) as well.
26. You can't have a summer without the Red Sox - Michael and I went for our 26th wedding anniversary - Yeah!! Then I went with Vivan and Carol from work and my son Mario. We missed the top of the first because we were running late and when we got into Fenway the score was 6-0 Reds Sox losing. I continue to cheer when I see Tim Wakefield.
27. The Fisherman's Feast where Michael, Mario, and I went with Deb and Bruce and met up with Maryann and her family - a wonderful reunion and celebration of Michael's birthday.
28. St. Anthony's feast where I met many of my North End facebook friends. And seeing Frankie-I love you! And you bear part of the responsibility of getting Michael and I together. And in pure Frankie style, said to my daughter's boyfriend Travis "you owe me." Stephanie - great to see you out of gym clothes.
29. I also can appreciate feeling healthy and strong. Steve, Chris, Melanie, Drew, Krista, and Susan (who I feel I have to include) were all part of my "work-out happiness at 6AM.
30. Lunch at the Langham with Maria. It's always magical when I'm with Maria.
I'm sure I missed some of happy times in my life with a chemo-free summer and missed some of the names that should be in this post. But I am only human. If I wasn't human I wouldn't have this stupid cancer. So I'll end this post, put on another application of red lipstick and smile as I review this summer. Sometimes bad things open your eyes really wide to the good things - Could that be a gift from cancer. Even if it is, I believe from the deepest part of my heart and soul that cancer is still stupid.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Opposite Emotions
I really feel I need to write this now but I really feel that I need to rest my mind.. I really feel the love and support I get from family and friends and I really feel empathy for those that don't have it. I really feel that my life has had (and continues to have) a purpose. I really feel that if given more time I can always upgrade that purpose. I really feel that this world can be cruel and unfair but I really feel that there is something better after this. I really feel pain but then I really feel comfort. I really feel happy but feel sadness looming over me. Opposing emotions!!! Just what the f*&k do you do with them????? Oh, that sounded a little angry but it is an honest question. Let's just say that I am frustrated because I can't find an answer that will make me happy.
I've been squirming in my seat in an effort to find my comfort zone somewhere in the middle. But what I've decided over the last couple of days is that there really is no more comfort zone. Coping with the reality of a terminal disease has made me too in tune to how I feel. I get flooded with thoughts and feelings, not just randomly but simultaneously. The more I try to beat the sadness down, the farther in sadness I sink. The more I want the happiness to sustain me I find myself in tears.
Now here comes the part I really don't understand. I thank God for my turmoil everyday. I am alive and I really feel. I really see with eyes so open. But with that comes a price because I feel that I see truth. I see the truth about myself, my relationships, my life's goals. Lately I've been able to see the world go on without me. It brings some feelings of joy and happiness. I see that the world doesn't exist just because of me. I see that there will be lot's of fun times and new memories after I am gone. Life will not stop. I experience both sadness and happiness when I face the realities of life after Rosanne. I am ecstatic to still be alive and fighting but I am horrified at the thought that I will be saying good bye! But I find comfort in the thought that I will never truly leave you. My spirit will remain and I want everyone to share in that comfort. (Or maybe I just fantasize it is a comfort)
With that I will end this post. I began with a sense of anxiety. Writing and sharing gives me a sense of peace. And again I find two more opposite emotions.
I've been squirming in my seat in an effort to find my comfort zone somewhere in the middle. But what I've decided over the last couple of days is that there really is no more comfort zone. Coping with the reality of a terminal disease has made me too in tune to how I feel. I get flooded with thoughts and feelings, not just randomly but simultaneously. The more I try to beat the sadness down, the farther in sadness I sink. The more I want the happiness to sustain me I find myself in tears.
Now here comes the part I really don't understand. I thank God for my turmoil everyday. I am alive and I really feel. I really see with eyes so open. But with that comes a price because I feel that I see truth. I see the truth about myself, my relationships, my life's goals. Lately I've been able to see the world go on without me. It brings some feelings of joy and happiness. I see that the world doesn't exist just because of me. I see that there will be lot's of fun times and new memories after I am gone. Life will not stop. I experience both sadness and happiness when I face the realities of life after Rosanne. I am ecstatic to still be alive and fighting but I am horrified at the thought that I will be saying good bye! But I find comfort in the thought that I will never truly leave you. My spirit will remain and I want everyone to share in that comfort. (Or maybe I just fantasize it is a comfort)
With that I will end this post. I began with a sense of anxiety. Writing and sharing gives me a sense of peace. And again I find two more opposite emotions.
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