I really feel I need to write this now but I really feel that I need to rest my mind.. I really feel the love and support I get from family and friends and I really feel empathy for those that don't have it. I really feel that my life has had (and continues to have) a purpose. I really feel that if given more time I can always upgrade that purpose. I really feel that this world can be cruel and unfair but I really feel that there is something better after this. I really feel pain but then I really feel comfort. I really feel happy but feel sadness looming over me. Opposing emotions!!! Just what the f*&k do you do with them????? Oh, that sounded a little angry but it is an honest question. Let's just say that I am frustrated because I can't find an answer that will make me happy.
I've been squirming in my seat in an effort to find my comfort zone somewhere in the middle. But what I've decided over the last couple of days is that there really is no more comfort zone. Coping with the reality of a terminal disease has made me too in tune to how I feel. I get flooded with thoughts and feelings, not just randomly but simultaneously. The more I try to beat the sadness down, the farther in sadness I sink. The more I want the happiness to sustain me I find myself in tears.
Now here comes the part I really don't understand. I thank God for my turmoil everyday. I am alive and I really feel. I really see with eyes so open. But with that comes a price because I feel that I see truth. I see the truth about myself, my relationships, my life's goals. Lately I've been able to see the world go on without me. It brings some feelings of joy and happiness. I see that the world doesn't exist just because of me. I see that there will be lot's of fun times and new memories after I am gone. Life will not stop. I experience both sadness and happiness when I face the realities of life after Rosanne. I am ecstatic to still be alive and fighting but I am horrified at the thought that I will be saying good bye! But I find comfort in the thought that I will never truly leave you. My spirit will remain and I want everyone to share in that comfort. (Or maybe I just fantasize it is a comfort)
With that I will end this post. I began with a sense of anxiety. Writing and sharing gives me a sense of peace. And again I find two more opposite emotions.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
A Glorious Beach Day
It feels the best to feel completely alive! I just don't know how to explain it. My brain is as it should. I am having so much fun. Almost every one of my senses are active and acute. (I say almost because I always have that lingering neuropathy in my fingers. I guess nothing is really perfect.) But at the beach this weekend - I really felt the beach and lived the beach for the first time in a couple of years. Chemotherapy can really deaden your senses - but not this summer!
Now back to the beach. I really heard the ocean and all it's power again. I smelled the sea air and even the smell of seaweed brought a smile to my face. As there were complaints of too much seaweed on the beach I was able to chuckle and think "if that is your biggest annoyance then let your life go on." My ears were filled with muted conversations, squeals from children and adults alike as they ventured into the warm ocean water, radios blaring our beloved Red Sox' game, and the clear voices of friends and family making conversation and offering food and beverages. My eyes were wide open to look at the faces of new friends, old friends and family members all a year older and a year wiser, babies experiencing the sights and sounds of the ocean for the first time, and my beautiful strong Mario swimming out to the bouys with such stamina and confidence. Then how about the tastes of the beach. Yes! there are tastes. How about the ice cold Corona Light topped off with a lime, the salty snacks that everyone always seems to share, and the fresh fruit Ahh, nothing but refreshing!!!!! I felt the beach - I felt the pebbly, hot sand under my feet and on my hands, the cold of the ecean on my toes, that rock that you step on. Ouch, but oh such a good and familiar ouch. Then the sun, the wonderful, awesome feel of that miraculous ball of fire 93 million miles away! And who could not love the hugs and kisses of friends that we think about all year but tend to see on a seasonal basis. My senses were completely alive even though there was a little haze on my brain, not from chemo, but from the couple of bottles of Corona Light (comlete with lime). A haze that should be there on such a glorious day at Popponeset Beach.
As I was sitting there elated in my own world, some sadness with intertwined with warm memories crossed my mind. There were peole from years past that weren't there - Mr. and Mrs. Meuller who always took their late walk down the beach - Mr. Meuller who passed away a few years ago, then his wife not soon after. Then there were the Connely's. Mr. and Mrs. Connely were permanent features enjoying their house on the water. Both gone but the memory of them sitting on their deck, overlooking the ocean, greeting all as they entered the heavenly world just on the other side of the sea wall. Then Megan's father, Mr. Halloran. Although he has not been with us on this earth for many years his smiling face and talkative style passes through my mind. Jim Laroo, so young when he died. Husband of Lori, father of Greg and Kate. I remember many years ago about hearing the news of his brain tumor. - unable to do or say anything that could make things better. But I can still see him playing on the sand with his kids and mine and probably a few kids he didn't even know. Muriel Wade - another beautiful woman - she opened the beach, first one down there. Long gone but never to be forgotten. I think of the DeSimone's, Vera and Ted with memories that would make you cry because you felt such a connection. Vera, who never really went to the beach, and Ted, standing at the top of the seawall stairs as if overlooking his kingdom. And this year is was George Harris, Sr. Although sick for the last couple of years, he passed away last week. Friend, father, and grandfather. Physical prescence not there but his spirit will always live.
My senses were open, my thoughts were alive, my memories so clear. I thank my mother-in-law-and father-law for their foresight into the next generation in keeping their house at the beach not only for them but for their children and their spouses, their friends, their grandchildren, their granchildren's friends and on and on and on.
Although I have not traveled the world I cannot imagine a place more awesome than Popponeset Beach. A big thank you for Dr. Abrams, my oncologist who gave me the summer off from treatment so I can have "quality of life." He has a great understanding of quality vs. quantity - one that I share so immensely. Yes, I was there yesterday, at Popponest Beach, sporting my red lipstick and a periwinkle color two piece suit with my ghost right there sharing my whirling, hot, and sensational Corona laced mind.
Now back to the beach. I really heard the ocean and all it's power again. I smelled the sea air and even the smell of seaweed brought a smile to my face. As there were complaints of too much seaweed on the beach I was able to chuckle and think "if that is your biggest annoyance then let your life go on." My ears were filled with muted conversations, squeals from children and adults alike as they ventured into the warm ocean water, radios blaring our beloved Red Sox' game, and the clear voices of friends and family making conversation and offering food and beverages. My eyes were wide open to look at the faces of new friends, old friends and family members all a year older and a year wiser, babies experiencing the sights and sounds of the ocean for the first time, and my beautiful strong Mario swimming out to the bouys with such stamina and confidence. Then how about the tastes of the beach. Yes! there are tastes. How about the ice cold Corona Light topped off with a lime, the salty snacks that everyone always seems to share, and the fresh fruit Ahh, nothing but refreshing!!!!! I felt the beach - I felt the pebbly, hot sand under my feet and on my hands, the cold of the ecean on my toes, that rock that you step on. Ouch, but oh such a good and familiar ouch. Then the sun, the wonderful, awesome feel of that miraculous ball of fire 93 million miles away! And who could not love the hugs and kisses of friends that we think about all year but tend to see on a seasonal basis. My senses were completely alive even though there was a little haze on my brain, not from chemo, but from the couple of bottles of Corona Light (comlete with lime). A haze that should be there on such a glorious day at Popponeset Beach.
As I was sitting there elated in my own world, some sadness with intertwined with warm memories crossed my mind. There were peole from years past that weren't there - Mr. and Mrs. Meuller who always took their late walk down the beach - Mr. Meuller who passed away a few years ago, then his wife not soon after. Then there were the Connely's. Mr. and Mrs. Connely were permanent features enjoying their house on the water. Both gone but the memory of them sitting on their deck, overlooking the ocean, greeting all as they entered the heavenly world just on the other side of the sea wall. Then Megan's father, Mr. Halloran. Although he has not been with us on this earth for many years his smiling face and talkative style passes through my mind. Jim Laroo, so young when he died. Husband of Lori, father of Greg and Kate. I remember many years ago about hearing the news of his brain tumor. - unable to do or say anything that could make things better. But I can still see him playing on the sand with his kids and mine and probably a few kids he didn't even know. Muriel Wade - another beautiful woman - she opened the beach, first one down there. Long gone but never to be forgotten. I think of the DeSimone's, Vera and Ted with memories that would make you cry because you felt such a connection. Vera, who never really went to the beach, and Ted, standing at the top of the seawall stairs as if overlooking his kingdom. And this year is was George Harris, Sr. Although sick for the last couple of years, he passed away last week. Friend, father, and grandfather. Physical prescence not there but his spirit will always live.
My senses were open, my thoughts were alive, my memories so clear. I thank my mother-in-law-and father-law for their foresight into the next generation in keeping their house at the beach not only for them but for their children and their spouses, their friends, their grandchildren, their granchildren's friends and on and on and on.
Although I have not traveled the world I cannot imagine a place more awesome than Popponeset Beach. A big thank you for Dr. Abrams, my oncologist who gave me the summer off from treatment so I can have "quality of life." He has a great understanding of quality vs. quantity - one that I share so immensely. Yes, I was there yesterday, at Popponest Beach, sporting my red lipstick and a periwinkle color two piece suit with my ghost right there sharing my whirling, hot, and sensational Corona laced mind.
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