Speak the way you Feel

I'm going to try living in the oposite world today. Whatever I really feel or think is going to be oposite to what I am going to project. On second thought, I better not do that because I would never want anyone to take my words the "right" way which is really the "wrong" way. OK, now I'm even getting confused myself so I think I'll scratch that idea. I was just thinking that if I didn't tell the truth then nobody would have to hear how crappy I feel. Nobody would have to hear about how much of life I feel I am missing. Everyone would think I am doing great, that I'm not worried about the future, that I don't think about how much I miss my old self. If I spoke in opposites I wouldn't tell anyone how annoying it is to have to count down chemo weekends to see if I can make it to a wedding, a birthday party or a First Communion. I would tell everyone that chemo is easy, I'm never in pain,or that my mouth always tastes minty resh. But since I decided not to speak in opposites then the truth must be know - chemo is hard, neuropathic pain is bad, and my mouth always has the wretched taste in it from the chemo drugs.
If I spoke in opposites worse things would happen than letting everyone know my laments about cancer and chemo. I would appear to be unappreciative, uncaring, and ungrateful. So since it is not a day I will speak in opposites I need to say that I can never feel more appreciative, caring, or grateful. So today and it's not opposite day I have many thanks to give (in no particular order):
Thank you to my friends who always get me back and forth to chemo in a way that makes me feel good right up until I have to say good bye at the door of Dana-Farber or right up until they walk me back in my doorway.
Thank you to my parents who take the T to Dana-Farber just so they can sit with me while the poison goes into my system. I know it's not easy.
Thank you to all my facebook friends and fans for cheering me on and picking me up. Your words are so important.
Thank you to all my work friends who take care of me on days that I don't feel well, let me cry or complain in the back office when I need to. You have shown me an even greater dimension of friendship.
Thank you to Michelle, Jay, and Mario just for being my children and in your own ways live this uncertain life that my cancer diagnosis has given them. I am truly proud.
Thank you to my neighbors who are always watching over me. You know I need you.
Thank you to my family for which I include my inlaws - you are all true family and do things that help make my life easier through this cancer journey.
Thank you to long time friends who remain in touch and would do anything for me. You always make me smile.
Thank you to those that offer food, prayers, kind words. For without them life with cancer would be totally intolerable.
Thank you to Father Gillespie who brings me Communion on the Sundays I am sick. I feel close to God.
Thank You to Michael, my husband, who goes off to work everyday with such a heavy burden in his mind and heart. I love you.
You know what - I never want it to be opposite day because I feel it is much too important to let others know how you feel vs. hiding behind a wall of falsities. So as I expressed the truth and not the opposite of what I feel I am so, so indebted to all of you. And as I inventoried my feelings I ask myself in all sincerity "How could I ever feel crappy?"

Chemical Warfare

Picture my liver with innumerable tumors - they are all lit up and alive. They are looking to attack other organs. They are mean and nasty and want the whole body to be under their seige. The body is the battlefield and although they are confined to the liver they grow stronger as they wait for the right time to takeover. Sometimes they are cammoflaged by sleep but they still wait. They hide in the trenches. They are aware of their enemy. They know the everyother week schedule of counter-attacks. Chemotherapy-a version of agent orange. It's chemical warfare. It will fight the tumors. It will push them back. It will weaken them. The tumors are afraid. What a picture!!! I wish I could draw it on paper. Tumors retreatreating, chemotherapy attacking. Who will win this war? And at what price will the war continue?

Easter Greetings!

I think it is holidays that bring alive the ghost that I will become. It happened on Christmas and now it is happening for Easter. The ghost of my future sees lonliness for my family. Easter dinner was always at my house. This year I have treatment scheduled for Good Friday so I won't be well enough to host the traditional family Easter dinner. So now Easter dinner is everywhere! It will be a lonely Easter at 22 Kings Row this year because I am out of commission. I see this in the future as my ghostly spirit looks down from it's terrace. I will throw you down kissess in each piece of candy that hides in the Easter baskets, I will hide my spirit in the overpowering smell of Easter lillies so I can fill the room and you will remember, I will cry because the house that was so full of life on Easter Sunday is silent.
But then the years will go by and a new tradition will be made and my family will be together again. And as my ghost looks down at 22 Kings Row it sees another family celebrating Easter. I will wish them all the joy that living in that house had brought to me. Then my ghost travels back to the new family tradition. I listen and watch. I realize that I have become a story, a "remember when" and in my ghostly fantasy they are only saying nice things. I smile and smell the lillies.
Happy Easter.