I'ts Back with Ferocity

It has just been so long. Just so many things have happened. But I will be able to sum them up very quickly. Summer of 2011 was the best. Never felt so good as long as I can remember. Enjoyed Italy in a way I cannot describe. Had fun down the Cape, had time with my kids and husband, worked out at least three times a week, and worked 30-40 hours a week. But most of all I was away from Dana-Farber on a hiatus from chemotherapy. Then the pre-Labor Day scan happened and the results made my heart melt, my stomach sink, and my body convulse with sadness. The scan was worse than expected with tumor growth in my liver and in my lungs. And it doesn't take an oncologist to know that it was to be back to chemotherapy. So I did as any good patient would do and I held it off for as long as I could. I needed a few more weekends. So I went to a wedding, bonded more with Jay's dog, Carla, went to New Orleans to give my daughter a blessing before she moved and had a few more dinners out with my husband and Mario.
At this time treatment has resumed for a couple of months. Not first line treatment. That wore itself out. I should say it wore me out but my life was rejuvenated after the summer so my cancer wore the treatment out BEFORE it wore me out. After almost 90 treatments I guess it was expected. Oh, no. wait a minute - the expectation was for me not to survive it but I still stood. In fact I stood strong! So now it is second line treatment and I have never felt this negative in my whole cancer journey. I feel guilty about having less hope than I have ever had. I feel just terrible that my mood has been down, I don't feel like being social, and I am just anticipating doom.
This week is a big week. I get a scan then find out results. The guilt I feel about not being optimistic weighs heavily on me. Having this turmoil because I don't feel the way I want is probably worse than just feeling the way I feel. But this inner storm will be over when the scan results are reviewed because the results will dictate how I will feel. It's very simple, positive results, positive attitude, negative results, negative attitude. Never will be things so cut and dry. (LOL).
Everyone says I still look good - I keep blaming that on the lipstick!