I'ts Back with Ferocity

It has just been so long. Just so many things have happened. But I will be able to sum them up very quickly. Summer of 2011 was the best. Never felt so good as long as I can remember. Enjoyed Italy in a way I cannot describe. Had fun down the Cape, had time with my kids and husband, worked out at least three times a week, and worked 30-40 hours a week. But most of all I was away from Dana-Farber on a hiatus from chemotherapy. Then the pre-Labor Day scan happened and the results made my heart melt, my stomach sink, and my body convulse with sadness. The scan was worse than expected with tumor growth in my liver and in my lungs. And it doesn't take an oncologist to know that it was to be back to chemotherapy. So I did as any good patient would do and I held it off for as long as I could. I needed a few more weekends. So I went to a wedding, bonded more with Jay's dog, Carla, went to New Orleans to give my daughter a blessing before she moved and had a few more dinners out with my husband and Mario.
At this time treatment has resumed for a couple of months. Not first line treatment. That wore itself out. I should say it wore me out but my life was rejuvenated after the summer so my cancer wore the treatment out BEFORE it wore me out. After almost 90 treatments I guess it was expected. Oh, no. wait a minute - the expectation was for me not to survive it but I still stood. In fact I stood strong! So now it is second line treatment and I have never felt this negative in my whole cancer journey. I feel guilty about having less hope than I have ever had. I feel just terrible that my mood has been down, I don't feel like being social, and I am just anticipating doom.
This week is a big week. I get a scan then find out results. The guilt I feel about not being optimistic weighs heavily on me. Having this turmoil because I don't feel the way I want is probably worse than just feeling the way I feel. But this inner storm will be over when the scan results are reviewed because the results will dictate how I will feel. It's very simple, positive results, positive attitude, negative results, negative attitude. Never will be things so cut and dry. (LOL).
Everyone says I still look good - I keep blaming that on the lipstick!

Strength from Cancer

I haven't posted in a very long time. Just such a busy summer. I have been off chemotherapy for about 6 weeks and I am trying to enjoy and really feel every minute of it. Feeling healthy and strong is such a gift. As with everyone, the future is so unknown. I try very hard not to think of it. So as I spoke of so my times the future can be my delusional world. But this summer is no delusion, it is my reality. I am strong-I can work and play with such ferocity!!!
Today I look at some of the gifts that cancer gave me: I have developed closer relationships with my friends and family. I can tell them how much I love them, I can be me- the new me, the greatful me and the much more appreciative me, not taking for granted these people that help give me strength. I also think I have developed a closer relationship with God-I actually argue with him, debate with him, plead to him, respect him and just have plain old conversation. Since my cancer diagnosis I have developed an amazing strength - this feeling is so unbelievable. After almost four years of chemotherapy treatments (something like 87 treatments) I am alive and kicking harder and stronger than ever before. Now I can notice more details - the sky, the grass, my house, my patients, mindless entertainment, the shear beuty of music, the vivd color of red in my lipstick...I could go on and on but I think you can get the picture. I can't believe I have let myself really love a dog- thanks Jay, thanks Mario - I think cancer let me open my eyes to the beauty and wonder of animals. I have learned not be judgemental - for every negative I may think I need to find a positive - it is not always easy but it is an exercise that keeps me at peace.
This list of gifts is not complete and comprehensive but they are great examples. There is such a contrast between life without chemotherapy and the freedom of this summer. It makes me be more thankful for all that I have, all that I see, all that I love. Although this is temporary freedom I see it as such a recharge. I can really count my blessings and try to find some good in things that really upset me. I feel this inner peacefulness through any struggle. My motto has been "don't sweat the small stuff." And even the big stuff is something I can handle. We only have so much energy and I try not to waste mine on petty things. I feel I didn't need cancer to learn to appreciate things, but I have to say it gave me the strength. I can't go so far as to call it a gift but bad things bring about good things if you are open, willing to change and use your strength. I guess cancer was the catalyst, the kick in the pants to this newfound strength. I am flexing my muscles and I am not going to be taken down without a fight.

A Miraculous Year

Just a little story - When Mario was about 4 years old we got one of those fighting fish that lives alone and swims around in a vase. When we got the fish we wanted to prepare Mario in case the fish died. So we told him that fish don't always live very long and for him to enjoy watching the fish while we had him swimming around the vase. After our little talk he would get up every morning, look at the fish, and proudly announce "he's not dead yet!" Well it's my birthday today. In fact, the 4th since I have been told I had StageIV Colon Cancer and there was no cure. I was told of the minimal treatment options - immediate surgery and then chemotherapy to prolong my life. Life expectancy was 2 and a half years. Well, I wake up this morning and I say to myself, "I'm not dead yet." In fact I feel very much alive. I've already been to the gym for a work out. I plan to work 30 hours this week. I will help Mario with his homework, attend at least one of his baseball games, and watch some mindless television. I will also spend time dog-sitting with Jay's new puppy. And yes, for many of you that know me I did say dog-sitting.

Well a year older is a blessing, especially when you have your health. In most ways I really try to fit in that category. As my oncologist says "You are just a healthy person that happens to have cancer." Most days I believe him. Although there have been some times that I truly wanted this fight to be over and I think - a healthy person with cancer, that's bulls$#%, healthy and cancer is just an oxymoron and should never be spoken in the same sentence.

There are many people that have this dreaded disease of cancer that I think about today and often. I pray for them every day. Many have died with this disease, many are dying. But I need to say that I know nobody who has given in to this disease without a valiant fight. I have seen other healthy people deal with very bad cancers. It is inspiring. However, it is even sadder when they die or they can't fight anymore and I have shed and will continue to shed many tears.

But today is my birthday! I received a beautiful gift from my husband, not just the earrings (but I need to say they are gorgeous) but the whole idea that he continues in his love affair with me throughout these past four years of the unknown. I really love you Michael.

And to all my readers and fans - thank you for all the birthday wishes, and thank you for all the love and support over this past year. For without it, this year that has truly been full of joy, sickness, strength, sadness, health, laughter, love, and tears never would have been a reality. And you know what - "I'm not dead yet!" Oh and one more accolade - thank you red lipstick for sometimes helping me to look better than I feel. Hugs to all of you.

Beliefs

Another long time has passed since I wrote on this blog. Had many thoughts throughout these past weeks but a little lazy about finding the time. We just had Easter at my house yesterday. Last Easter was very quiet - But not this Easter. Michelle and Jay were home. (Also a new addition, Carla, Jay's chocolate lab puppy). Looking at my two oldest now makes me smile. They have achieved...they are moving forward...they just make me so proud I want to well up with tears (oh, and smile at the same time.). Then Mario...such a little genius that just needs to learn to harness his energy...he will achieve...he will move forward.

So having my house full continues to be so important - it makes me think that year after year this is going to happen. But then those stupid ghosts come creeping in. But the ghost is a little different on this holiday. She is a little stronger. She sees strength in her children. She see strength in her husband. The ghost of holiday's past is very proud, still profoundly sad that she can't be there but she knows that death is an inevitable part of life. Those that we love die but through it all life goes on. And to paraphrase something my nephew Andrew wrote - Beliefs in God, beliefs in family, and beliefs in friends will get you through. For those that don't know, Andrew in my 12 year old nephew who at 8 years old was witness to the death of his then 11 year old brother. Sometimes we get strength from some of the most phenomenal places!!!!

There have been other sad things over these past weeks - friends getting new cancer diagnoses, the death of my special friend Alexander at 20 months old from a cancer he was fighting since he was 8 months and the death of a man that was in my cancer support group. Somehow life will move on for each and every one of those living and fighting. Life will move on for those left on earth. My friends will battle cancer, Alexander's parents will walk the minute by minute walk of life, and families and friends under God's graces will continue to survive with the memories.

Everyday there are terrible tragedies. There are enormous ones like in Japan and there are other enormous ones, yet not as publicized such as Alexander's death a few weeks ago and my nephew Timothy's death over three years ago. How about my terminal cancer diagnosis just a month after Timothy died - a tragedy added to another tragedy. Prayer, love, support, and yes my red lipstick are things that keep life going in the face of such devastation. But my nephew Andrew put it very nicely and very succinctly Beliefs in God, family, and friends will get us through our darkest times. Hey Andrew, didn't you forget the red lipstick???

A Good Day

I have to say that it is pretty funny how much energy you can muster when there is something you really want to do. "Not feeling very well" is pretty much my status quo. But somehow or other I have been able to laugh, socialize, go to Church, shop, cook, clean, wear my high heels, put on my red lipstick, and work - maybe not as much as I like but never the less, I still have these parts of my life. It was a good day yesterday because I did every one of these things (except work).

Don't get me wrong. I have periods of sadness, pain, and weakness. (If you a readers of this blog I have no need to tell you about it.) I have the need to feel, these feelings. But I can understand the importance of taking advantage of the days that feel normal; the days that are status quo. Those are the days to push, to forge on ahead, to live life, to be hopeful and to be thankful.

So today is one of those days and I am compelled to write about it. Just a normal day and I rejoice! Thinking of my last scan and hearing the word "calcifications" for the first time and I rejoice! Attending Sunday Mass and I rejoice! Having dinner with my family and I rejoice! Fresh, clean sheets on the bed and I rejoice! Looking at my husband and children's pictures and I rejoice. Shopping and finding a bargain and I rejoice! Thinking about my career in healthcare and I rejoice! There are so many things in my life that are good. Not just good, but great. Today I will continue to notice the good things and put the scary, bad things aside.

So today is one of those days I feel alive. I feel like I will beat this cancer. I realize that I have already beaten the odds. I will continue to rejoice the good things in my life. And today I will also pray for those that see nothing but darkness in their lives. Everyone deserves a little light and in the midst of bad things you may have to dig for that light, or even wait for that light. And when it flickers just push to make it shine. Have a great day everyone. I've climbed through the darkness yet another time. I've made status quo feel wonderful!

The Ghost Came for a Visit

I am feeling very sad and very guilty today. I am thinking about my son Mario's needs. OK, he is almost 12 but he still has a need to be entertained. It is school vacation week and I just can't seem to fill that need in him. I have been making attempts but they seem to be very feeble in comparison to the personal dimensions of his need. He has said to me on many occasions that he wishes I was like the old mom. He remembers me being like the energizer bunny - very happy memories. I hear his engine rev even when he is tired. Just last night he took Mario snowtubing with the Nazarro Center. Over the weekend he just occupied his time, being able to get him to where he needed to go, picking him up - reallt being such a great father. Then here I am - "Sorry Mario, I have treatment." I go to bed at night thinking I'll have a stronger day tomorrow - but it is usually wishful thinking and I feel just awful. But I keep on trying and that's all I can do. ALL I CAN DO - those words hang heavily in my head: just as the pins and needle feelings hang heavily on my fingers and toes, feelings of nausea hang heavily in my belly, and feelings of low self-worth hang in my thoughts.
The ghost of me appears again. Everybody snow-tubing with Mario including Michael, Carl, Sofia, Ernie, Maria, Jenna, Evan, TJ, and Nick. All having a good time, enjoying eachother's company, laughing with the kids, adults cold, children just playing in the cold. There's all the actions, there's all the feelings that I want to be a part. And where's the boy's mother???? Last night I was the ghost in the trees.
So today, Mario and I made Candy Apples. We were working on this project at 8AM. I was physically and emotionally present and it felt good. But a few hours later I hear him on the phone telling Alan, a good friend of the family who lives in our neighborhood, "my mom really can't do anything much with me today. She doesn't feel good and she is tired. Can I come hang with you?" We were in the room together when he made this call, though tried hard to muffle the conversation, knowing it would inflict some pain if I heard him talking out loud. What a considerate boy!
So I spend the afternoon feeling sad and guilty. I try so hard to be the normal mom. I try so hard to offer entertainment to my beautiful Mario. I think that I failed today on both counts. But now I spy the candy apples, I spy the core of the one he has already eaten. Mario I love you, it is not fair that you have a mother who is sick but the reality is that I love you as much as I could even if I wasn't sick. and even when I am not there my thoughts will always be and even when I leave this world my ghost will never stop enjoying your moments. And sometimes the ghosts seem to come out early, just to see how it feels.

Happy Week

I am only going to say good and positive things on this post. Having limited treatment 2 weeks ago and no treatment this past weekend really gave me a chance to feel like I was on a mini-vacation. Very mini, but I know how to pack a lot into the times I am feeling good. With chemo every week those times have been limited but I'm not going to complain because I had such a jam-packed two weeks. It was such a respite from a pretty sickly existence. Met with past and presents firends. And I mean past - there were friends from Franciscan Children's Hospital where I held a job 20 years ago. Friends from before Michael and I were married. Present day friends mixed with friends from the past. Past friends that have been with me throughout the many years of my life. Family, mixed with firends. I wish I could list all the names but I am afraid that I will miss someone. I would never want to offend anyone. But you all know who you are. There were many friends that I did not get to so I am saving that for my next weekend off. I know who you all are.
So tomorrow I work, as well as the next and the next. They will be all good days. Then Friday comes and I will get hammered with the poisons that keep me alive. But I won't digress (or regress). So I give myself a big pat on the back for not letting a spare minute of my "well" time go by without filling it in a positive way. So as I sit in my chemo chair on Friday, wearing high heels and sporting my lipstick I will run my mind over the past 10 days that have brought me nothing but joy. And then I will plan for the next time I get so much as a week's break. It will keep me happy.
Perspectives differ for me now than they did when I first started treatment. Before it would be "one week, only one week" now "thank you for that one "long" week." I try to be grateful for everything. I am grateful for everyone that takes the time to read this blog. For many reasons I write and for many reasons people read. I continue to be grateful for my red lipstick. Both make my smile just that much more prominent.
One last thing Happy Valentines Day to all my fans - I've taken your hearts, wove them into a blanket and am feeling myself wrapped up in them all. Just another thing to broaden the smile on my face.