The Ghost Came for a Visit

I am feeling very sad and very guilty today. I am thinking about my son Mario's needs. OK, he is almost 12 but he still has a need to be entertained. It is school vacation week and I just can't seem to fill that need in him. I have been making attempts but they seem to be very feeble in comparison to the personal dimensions of his need. He has said to me on many occasions that he wishes I was like the old mom. He remembers me being like the energizer bunny - very happy memories. I hear his engine rev even when he is tired. Just last night he took Mario snowtubing with the Nazarro Center. Over the weekend he just occupied his time, being able to get him to where he needed to go, picking him up - reallt being such a great father. Then here I am - "Sorry Mario, I have treatment." I go to bed at night thinking I'll have a stronger day tomorrow - but it is usually wishful thinking and I feel just awful. But I keep on trying and that's all I can do. ALL I CAN DO - those words hang heavily in my head: just as the pins and needle feelings hang heavily on my fingers and toes, feelings of nausea hang heavily in my belly, and feelings of low self-worth hang in my thoughts.
The ghost of me appears again. Everybody snow-tubing with Mario including Michael, Carl, Sofia, Ernie, Maria, Jenna, Evan, TJ, and Nick. All having a good time, enjoying eachother's company, laughing with the kids, adults cold, children just playing in the cold. There's all the actions, there's all the feelings that I want to be a part. And where's the boy's mother???? Last night I was the ghost in the trees.
So today, Mario and I made Candy Apples. We were working on this project at 8AM. I was physically and emotionally present and it felt good. But a few hours later I hear him on the phone telling Alan, a good friend of the family who lives in our neighborhood, "my mom really can't do anything much with me today. She doesn't feel good and she is tired. Can I come hang with you?" We were in the room together when he made this call, though tried hard to muffle the conversation, knowing it would inflict some pain if I heard him talking out loud. What a considerate boy!
So I spend the afternoon feeling sad and guilty. I try so hard to be the normal mom. I try so hard to offer entertainment to my beautiful Mario. I think that I failed today on both counts. But now I spy the candy apples, I spy the core of the one he has already eaten. Mario I love you, it is not fair that you have a mother who is sick but the reality is that I love you as much as I could even if I wasn't sick. and even when I am not there my thoughts will always be and even when I leave this world my ghost will never stop enjoying your moments. And sometimes the ghosts seem to come out early, just to see how it feels.