Last time I wrote I thought I had some side effects under control. I'm not as strong as I though I was. I did not want to end up in Dana Farber until my next sxheduled appointment. But there I was yesterday needing fluids and those anti-nausea and anti-diarrhea meds. Cancer has a lot of deja-vu moments! I know this scne happened before. However, everytime a repeat offense happens to my body the intensity is so much greater.
I've hit the "Great Wall of Chemo" again!!!! Last time I had a helmet on but this time I went full force in to the wall. I'm afraid next time I'm going right through!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Status Quo
Hi again, I spoke with my oncologist todays about some "shitty" symptoms that I have been having since Christmas Eve. I will not elaborate on the symtoms but I think the quotation marks from the previous sentence is quite a clue. Now multiply what you are thinking X 10. That is the true picture. But I kept trying to keep up with the fluid loss so a pat on the back for me because I didn't end up in Dana-Farber again getting fluids from a tube that is attached to veins in my chest. No thank you, I'd rather drink my fluids please.
So about my conversation with Dr. Abrams - He feels the symptoms were from the "insane" amount of chemo he had subjected me to. And I think I am a little insane for letting him do it. But I really want to stay alive so you do what you need to do. I have nothing but admiration towards Dr. Abrams his treatment of my cancer. He is a young doctor that faces tough choices everyday. I believe he has shed many tears with his patients and also has experienced great joys. He is sincere and caring doctor and wants me to have a good quality of life.
Sorry for the tangent and back to the plan. I have a scan in 1 week and see him in about 10 days. If the scan is status quo (or better) I will take a break from treatment with a scan every 12 weeks and as long as they remain status quo then I can stay off treatment until the scan begins to look bad. When it looks bad then we'll go into Dr. Abrams' back pocket and find something that will beat up on those tumors again.
I am cautiously happy - I want to expect a good scan, but I'm scared. If I expect too much I might get disappointed. Wow! That kind of thinking is from the deep memory banks of my brain. Before diagnosis I was the eternal optimist. I worked hard not to expect less than I want. Without even knowing it cancer has changed my optomistic outlook that I fought so very hard to obtain.
And when was status quo even thought to be good enough. I hate status quo - I always want to be better than what I am at this moment - I read, I study, I listen to colleagues, patients, friends and family, my favorite quote - "you learn something knew everyday." Why do I like that quote -because it means you better yourself, open your mind to other's thoughts, or you fight to overide what you think are opinions that don't coincide with your own thoughts. But you are growing and you are changing. As I wrote those last words the dawn shines and I understand status quo in relation to malignant tumors - the last thing you want them to do is change because of growth.
I'm really scared now. I'm scared to have deep happiness, I'm scared of new treatments, I'm scared of pain, and I'm scared of accepting status quo into my life.
Until next time - Rosanne
So about my conversation with Dr. Abrams - He feels the symptoms were from the "insane" amount of chemo he had subjected me to. And I think I am a little insane for letting him do it. But I really want to stay alive so you do what you need to do. I have nothing but admiration towards Dr. Abrams his treatment of my cancer. He is a young doctor that faces tough choices everyday. I believe he has shed many tears with his patients and also has experienced great joys. He is sincere and caring doctor and wants me to have a good quality of life.
Sorry for the tangent and back to the plan. I have a scan in 1 week and see him in about 10 days. If the scan is status quo (or better) I will take a break from treatment with a scan every 12 weeks and as long as they remain status quo then I can stay off treatment until the scan begins to look bad. When it looks bad then we'll go into Dr. Abrams' back pocket and find something that will beat up on those tumors again.
I am cautiously happy - I want to expect a good scan, but I'm scared. If I expect too much I might get disappointed. Wow! That kind of thinking is from the deep memory banks of my brain. Before diagnosis I was the eternal optimist. I worked hard not to expect less than I want. Without even knowing it cancer has changed my optomistic outlook that I fought so very hard to obtain.
And when was status quo even thought to be good enough. I hate status quo - I always want to be better than what I am at this moment - I read, I study, I listen to colleagues, patients, friends and family, my favorite quote - "you learn something knew everyday." Why do I like that quote -because it means you better yourself, open your mind to other's thoughts, or you fight to overide what you think are opinions that don't coincide with your own thoughts. But you are growing and you are changing. As I wrote those last words the dawn shines and I understand status quo in relation to malignant tumors - the last thing you want them to do is change because of growth.
I'm really scared now. I'm scared to have deep happiness, I'm scared of new treatments, I'm scared of pain, and I'm scared of accepting status quo into my life.
Until next time - Rosanne
Saturday, December 26, 2009
A Glipse of Christmas Future
The day after Christmas and I am happy because I made it through another Christmas. #3 since diagnosis.
Epistaxis (blood noses) have huanted by being because of the chemotherapy. I won't be too graphic but I'll just say that I had one that lasted a half hour just as I was getting ready to put on my Christmas clothes. That set me back!
Everyone is at my house-mother, father, in-laws, aunts cousins, and , husband,sons and daughter. You get the picture. Well I went downstairs a half hour late and as a turned the stairway to go to my kitchen - I saw it. I'll take from Dicken's Christmas Carol - I saw the Ghost of Christmas Future. My house has kind of an open floor plan so I'll offer a quick description. Kids playing pool in the game room, (that includes Mario), Michelle and my siste-in-law geting appetizers out and putting finishing touches on the meal. Most adults were in my family room enjoying talk and appetizers, my husband included, and my son Jay , as usual couldn't miss a day at the gym so I hear the family asking for him. And guss what - no mention of me because I was already "gone." Went upstairs to control my thoughts, hide my tears, and shake my head until I got back into real life.
Real life - my beautiful house, my beautiful family, amazing food. It's the life that Mike and I had worked for! I managed to shake it off but again more traumatazation from this horrible disease that call cancer.
Day after Christmas - back to reality - I'm going shopping with my daughter! See you, Rosane
Epistaxis (blood noses) have huanted by being because of the chemotherapy. I won't be too graphic but I'll just say that I had one that lasted a half hour just as I was getting ready to put on my Christmas clothes. That set me back!
Everyone is at my house-mother, father, in-laws, aunts cousins, and , husband,sons and daughter. You get the picture. Well I went downstairs a half hour late and as a turned the stairway to go to my kitchen - I saw it. I'll take from Dicken's Christmas Carol - I saw the Ghost of Christmas Future. My house has kind of an open floor plan so I'll offer a quick description. Kids playing pool in the game room, (that includes Mario), Michelle and my siste-in-law geting appetizers out and putting finishing touches on the meal. Most adults were in my family room enjoying talk and appetizers, my husband included, and my son Jay , as usual couldn't miss a day at the gym so I hear the family asking for him. And guss what - no mention of me because I was already "gone." Went upstairs to control my thoughts, hide my tears, and shake my head until I got back into real life.
Real life - my beautiful house, my beautiful family, amazing food. It's the life that Mike and I had worked for! I managed to shake it off but again more traumatazation from this horrible disease that call cancer.
Day after Christmas - back to reality - I'm going shopping with my daughter! See you, Rosane
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Spikey Red Hair
Back again for a quick post.
Spikey Red Hair really matches with bright red lipstick. Both are something that only the daring would wear. That's me. Jet Black long curly hair with pale lips is another thing only the daring would wear. That's my daughter Michelle. Get the comparisons!
As my children grew and continue to grow into a woman, man, and (God help me!) an adolescent I always hoped they would be a little daring because that little sense of invicibility makes them take chances in which they build their life. It helps make them brave. It helps make them strong. They daringness, braveness and strength help me fight the biggest battle of my life. (Do you think it is because my children have grown up looking into the eyes of a women who was never afraid to wear Spikey Red Hair with bright red lipstick?)
One more thing - my husband Michael likes my blonde wig best - But I think he sees the meaning of my need for Spikey Red Hair and Bright Red Lipstick so he'll never try to change it on a permanent basis. (Maybe just for the night - if you get my drift).
Be back soon, need to get ready for the most enchanting night of the year - Christmas Eve! Jesus and presents is a great combination.
Love, Rosanne
Spikey Red Hair really matches with bright red lipstick. Both are something that only the daring would wear. That's me. Jet Black long curly hair with pale lips is another thing only the daring would wear. That's my daughter Michelle. Get the comparisons!
As my children grew and continue to grow into a woman, man, and (God help me!) an adolescent I always hoped they would be a little daring because that little sense of invicibility makes them take chances in which they build their life. It helps make them brave. It helps make them strong. They daringness, braveness and strength help me fight the biggest battle of my life. (Do you think it is because my children have grown up looking into the eyes of a women who was never afraid to wear Spikey Red Hair with bright red lipstick?)
One more thing - my husband Michael likes my blonde wig best - But I think he sees the meaning of my need for Spikey Red Hair and Bright Red Lipstick so he'll never try to change it on a permanent basis. (Maybe just for the night - if you get my drift).
Be back soon, need to get ready for the most enchanting night of the year - Christmas Eve! Jesus and presents is a great combination.
Love, Rosanne
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Why???
Why??? What a question for a title to my first blog!! I put it there because since my cancer diagnosis I had many "why" questions. I also know that as I grew up I must have been asking many "why" questions. Sometimes I thought I had all the right answers. WRONG!! I made some interesting mistakes. But hear I am!!
I think asking "why" helped me to be a student for at least 25 yrs. of my life. Although little did I know that once you got to college you had to find the "why" andswer on your own and once you found the "why" there was always another "why." Today, as a nurse practition I am always asking "why." But I've been known to cheat a little in finding the answers - Dr. Nick, Dr. Anna, and NP Vivian have come to the rescue many times (especially when I needed the answer quickly because I have three other people in the waitingroom of the clinic looking for my expertise. )
Then I see the next patient and they my start the visit by asking "why" was I a waiting so long." Which brings the "why" question back to me - "Why" did they wait so long. But then comes the next "w" word in my next thought - "What " can I do so it doesn't happen again. But let's get back to "why" and save "what" for another blog.
My cancer diagnosis is full of "why" questions. (And "what"questions, the biggest one after rceiving my diagnosis - "What the @#%$? ) Now back to "why". The first "why" was obvious - "Why me?" I'll tell anyone with cancer that it's just a waste of good healing energy to ask that question "why me" because you will never know!!!! The newest "why" questions have much more to do with others than me. First of all "why" are people so openly kind to me and go out of their way to express their kindess?" I can answer very simply by saying "because they are good people and they see me as their friend." You know what's coming "but "why" do they see me as worthy of their good nature?" Continuing to answer those kind of esoteric questions is another energy consumer so now I say "well, they just do!"
"Why does my family and friends have to see me sick, sad and grumpy" - that's not my true personality. And if I try to paint a smile on with my beautiful red lipstick I only look silly. (Pink looks just as silly!)But I do tell people that if they see me without lipstick it is really a time to worry. I worried this past Saturday and Sunday when I didn't have the strength to even lift that tube. The tube became lighter yesterday but I did need a little extra help to lift it. A vist at home from Fr. G, Communion, counsel and prayers gave me all the muscle I needed.
OK. another "why" question. "Why" did God give me the strength to fight!! 50 rounds of chemo therapy in two years does say a lot about strength, but "why" have I been able to do this. Since I have a strong sense of God in my life the ultimate answer to every "why" question starts out as God being the anwer. But you know what happens there. Even more "why" questions come out.
This blog can go on and on forever, unfortunately none of us can be a blog and just keep on going. I hope I've peaked an interest in the word "why" because from anwers come questions. Philosophers, scientist, doctors, clergy, teachers, mechanics, etc only become greater if they keep asking "why". (I strive to join the ranks of the great thinkers - Plato, Aristotle, Rosanne)
But cancer is not a blog. It is a real thing that destroys family, causes many tears, turns believers into doubters and doubter into believers. It cannot go on forever like a blog. Cancer can make you responsible to anwer the hardest question of all and that has to do with when "enough is enough." (A very much heard quote when I was younger - it either was said to me or came from but I always liked that line. ) So with my lipstick on I say to all my readers that the fight isn't over yet. Enough is not quite enough so I'm still in the fight. The image of the punching bag clown reigned in my head throughout my life. Go ahead and try to knock me down - I'll be back up and maybe even hit you smack in the face. Don't fight with a fighter. But then there is the bully that will slice it until all the air comes out. But I know very well that patches can hold things together for a while. I think I've been held by strong patches for a long time. But they do wear thin!!
How much more of this illness can I take and still have a life. (Sorry, not a "why" question)?Remember cancer can consume you - And that's not "how" I want to live!!! WHY??...
Love to all, Rosanne
I think asking "why" helped me to be a student for at least 25 yrs. of my life. Although little did I know that once you got to college you had to find the "why" andswer on your own and once you found the "why" there was always another "why." Today, as a nurse practition I am always asking "why." But I've been known to cheat a little in finding the answers - Dr. Nick, Dr. Anna, and NP Vivian have come to the rescue many times (especially when I needed the answer quickly because I have three other people in the waitingroom of the clinic looking for my expertise. )
Then I see the next patient and they my start the visit by asking "why" was I a waiting so long." Which brings the "why" question back to me - "Why" did they wait so long. But then comes the next "w" word in my next thought - "What " can I do so it doesn't happen again. But let's get back to "why" and save "what" for another blog.
My cancer diagnosis is full of "why" questions. (And "what"questions, the biggest one after rceiving my diagnosis - "What the @#%$? ) Now back to "why". The first "why" was obvious - "Why me?" I'll tell anyone with cancer that it's just a waste of good healing energy to ask that question "why me" because you will never know!!!! The newest "why" questions have much more to do with others than me. First of all "why" are people so openly kind to me and go out of their way to express their kindess?" I can answer very simply by saying "because they are good people and they see me as their friend." You know what's coming "but "why" do they see me as worthy of their good nature?" Continuing to answer those kind of esoteric questions is another energy consumer so now I say "well, they just do!"
"Why does my family and friends have to see me sick, sad and grumpy" - that's not my true personality. And if I try to paint a smile on with my beautiful red lipstick I only look silly. (Pink looks just as silly!)But I do tell people that if they see me without lipstick it is really a time to worry. I worried this past Saturday and Sunday when I didn't have the strength to even lift that tube. The tube became lighter yesterday but I did need a little extra help to lift it. A vist at home from Fr. G, Communion, counsel and prayers gave me all the muscle I needed.
OK. another "why" question. "Why" did God give me the strength to fight!! 50 rounds of chemo therapy in two years does say a lot about strength, but "why" have I been able to do this. Since I have a strong sense of God in my life the ultimate answer to every "why" question starts out as God being the anwer. But you know what happens there. Even more "why" questions come out.
This blog can go on and on forever, unfortunately none of us can be a blog and just keep on going. I hope I've peaked an interest in the word "why" because from anwers come questions. Philosophers, scientist, doctors, clergy, teachers, mechanics, etc only become greater if they keep asking "why". (I strive to join the ranks of the great thinkers - Plato, Aristotle, Rosanne)
But cancer is not a blog. It is a real thing that destroys family, causes many tears, turns believers into doubters and doubter into believers. It cannot go on forever like a blog. Cancer can make you responsible to anwer the hardest question of all and that has to do with when "enough is enough." (A very much heard quote when I was younger - it either was said to me or came from but I always liked that line. ) So with my lipstick on I say to all my readers that the fight isn't over yet. Enough is not quite enough so I'm still in the fight. The image of the punching bag clown reigned in my head throughout my life. Go ahead and try to knock me down - I'll be back up and maybe even hit you smack in the face. Don't fight with a fighter. But then there is the bully that will slice it until all the air comes out. But I know very well that patches can hold things together for a while. I think I've been held by strong patches for a long time. But they do wear thin!!
How much more of this illness can I take and still have a life. (Sorry, not a "why" question)?Remember cancer can consume you - And that's not "how" I want to live!!! WHY??...
Love to all, Rosanne
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