Old Life / New Life

I so badly want my old life back. This thought hits me in the morning when I go back to bed after Mario heads off to school. I would love to be getting dressed and going to work. I feel it after I wake up. Just taking a shower, getting dressed, and putting on lipstick should not be followed by a nap. Can't stand not having energy. I long for my old life when Mario gets home from school and I don't have the strength or the clear thought processes to work with him on his homework. Oh, how I wish I could celebrate, I mean really go out and celebrate my daughter, Michelle for her new job in Public Relations and my son , Gennaro (Jay) nailing down a job in finance 3 months before graduation. Over the weekend my husband did the housework, carted Mario where he needed to go, and put up the outside Christmas Lights. Oh to have my old life - to enjoy the mundane as well as the occasions that call for celebration. I missed Mario's basketball game and with this thought I long for my old life. Tried to work-out a little, just at my home. Nausea and fatigue followed. Oh, how my life used to be different!
I am very sad that I have treatment every week! It keeps me from living my old life. Not a fast paced, jet setting, magazine style life. Just the everyday things that I once took for granted. Work, housecleaning, homework time, family celebrations, kids sports, church, and excersize seem to be the things I long for. Life before chemo - It teased me for the last couple of weeks. I continue to lament about quality vs. quantity.
For every piece of my old life that I did not appreciate, for every friend and family member that I overlooked, for every day to day task that I complained about I feel the need to be apologetic. For all were the best in my life. Lessons learned through my cancer journey have been very simple, humbling, and profound. I really had it as good as it gets.
I am not being ungreatful for the things I have now or the things I gained as cancer continues to take its course. There is a different kind of closeness with my friends and family; I am sincerely greatful for all my human interactions; the days I make it to Mario's games are never met with "oh, do I have to go"; the good conversations with Michelle and Jay are replayed in my mind over and over; if I go out to exercise or work I am taken back by how it normalizes my life; and looking at my husband with sincere gratitude fills me with satisfaction.
Today I will try to appreciate the things my new life brought me and stop feeling sorry for myself because I can't have the old life. I will do this right after I take a little nap. Posting really makes me tired.