Moderation

It's 7:30 AM, got Mario off too school (I just love that kid), and I am lying here feeling a mess. I keep saying. "Get up and make yourself move" "Why aren't you working today?" Why aren't you at the gym?" "Shouldn't you be doing housework?" But there is complete exhaustion at this point. And all I did was wake up with my husband and Mario, get Mario breakfast, made him lunch, told him to brush his teeth, and kiss him good-bye. Could anyone guess...possibly 100 calories expelled. But I have no energy! I also have hair that continues to fall out in small chunks, skin that is peeling off my face, and lips that feel so swollen because I have mouth sores in the inner part. And that is only what is wrong with my head and my face! (Not even near a complete physical exam.)
My mind continues to talk with two different voices - one is telling me get up, don't go back to sleep, the day is just starting, you'll feel better if you just make yourself stay up. And at what cost - possibly a great day with me dancing on the rooftop saying that all I needed was a little push. The other part is watching me dance on the rooftop, calling me a fool, and watching me tumble down to the ground and add to my self-deprecating feelings.
Unfortunately there is no way to "will" yourself to wellness. I keep trying to do that and when it works I'll let you all in on the secret. What a great Nurse Practitioner I would be if I could teach my patients to will themselves to wellness. What a gimmick! Could they will themselves to thinness, will themselves to strength, will themselves to beauty, maybe even will themselves to equality. (W0w, Will yourself to equality - that is something to ponder, but I'll save that for another time. I think my brain is too tired to ponder right now.)
There has got to be something positive to be said for that pull yourself up by your bootstraps, a good kick in the pants to get yourself going, not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself attitude. But if you don't tread slowly and carefully then you'll end up falling off the roof that you just saw yourself dancing.
Everything in life is a balancing act. Everything in moderation. You need goals but you also need reality in those goals. This is the way I plan to get through the rest of my life. (At least this is today's plan) Set up small goals - each small goal should get you closer to a large one. Now I need a short nap - My ultimate goal is to get out of the house today and accomplish some sort of errand. How will I do this - just put one foot in front of the other. Get up after my nap, take a shower, clean all my hair out of the drain, brush my teeth, get hold of myself once the stinging from the toothpaste on the mouthsores subside, then time for makeup to cover the skin problems created by chemo, and lastly put on my red lipstick in an effort to look like I have sexy, botox injected lips instead of just covering up some of the cosmetic damage from the internal mouthsores. Within these steps I have to remember to put some clothes on to cover this body that has been recently neglected by lack of exercise.
I didn't want this post to be negative. I was really hoping it would tell everyone that I was dancing on rooftops, dressed to the nines wearing a great big red lipstick smile despite the way chemotheray and cancer dance in my body. Unfortunately I'm not there yet. I'll try to be easy on myself, and try to intellectualize the effects of chemotherapy on the body and the mind. But as all things should come in moderation but my chemotherapy has not. I've been on chemotherapy, almost consistently, for the past three years and now I have this power schedule of chemo every week. That's not moderation. That's total immersion. So now I have a bright side to end this entry. The amount of chetherapy I've had is enough to kill anyone. But I'm still very much alive, still trying to fight to have a normal life. I'm just a little slower and a little tireder than before. So the nap sounds good but I promise all my friends and family that I will be awake later finding something else to beat myself up about.