Living in a Delusion

I think I am living in some sort of delusional world. I was told I had a terminal cancer 2 yrs. 8 months ago. I was really sick. Then I had surgery and I was sicker. Then I had a portacath placed for chemotheray and I was scared. Then I started chemotherapy and I was sick. But I fought and fought and would do my best to feel good in between treatments. In my delusional world I would feel great everyother week, not realizing how sick I really was (am). I enjoyed vacations with my family, vacations with my friends, holidays that I hosted, holidays that I didn't host. I've gone out to dinners, laughed a lot, increased my exercise progam, and continued to work. I'd put that red listick on and strut around. I would feel like life is pretty good. All the while I would keep referring to my delusion and ask the questions "How can I be sick? Do I feel like a woman with a terminal cancer inside my body? Do I look like a woman with a terminal disease?"

I'm on my quality of life chemo break and am loving it!! I'm living my delusional life of not being ill. It's much easier when I don't have chemotherapy to think about. I'm making use of every minute. I don't want to waste a second. Many times throughout this early part of my break I've asked again "How can I be sick?"

I'm wishing to live this delusion until the end. But there are times when reality sneaks in - that little pain on my right side, the curly hair on my head, on Sundays at Mass. But most often I live the delusion of health. Everytime a commercial comes on TV about a cancer center I say cancer is for other people, not me. Everytime I feel that little pain in my side I blame it on sit-ups, and during nighttime prayers when I pray for others with cancer, not thinking to pray for myself.

But something happened while I was at yesterdays Red Sox game. Pre-game ceremonies included a tribute to the riders of the Pan-Mass Challenge, a fund-raising bike-ride across Massachusetts to benefit the Jimmy Fund. I turned to my husband and said "Do I really have a disease that is so bad that billions of dollars are raised for the goal of finding a cure?" In my mind, I felt a silence and a little chill run through my body on a glorious sun-filled afternoon at Fenway Park. I think at that moment a little reality snuck into my delusional world. So there I sat - wearing a tank top to to show off my new-found muscles, with styling goup in my hair to show-off my new found curls, leopard print shoes to show my style, and red lipstick that adds to my smile and the reality of my life was bringing it all to an ugly state. I looked at myself and thought "what are you trying to prove?" I looked at my husband and felt like crying for his loss. I was never so happy to hear the words "PLAY BALL". I was snatched from reality and put back into my delusional world. And what a great afternoon it was!!!!

In a New York Minute

In the blink of an eye my happiest moments turn into such sad feelings. Every laugh that I have turns quickly into tears. Even a simple smile makes it way upside down and turns into a frown. You see, I am living day to day, moment by moment, trying to take in all the day has to offer. But everytime I feel joy then I become sad. I am not able to sustain the good feelings. When I think I am loving life then I think of losing my life - very sad indeed.
I was playing with my beautiful son Mario this weekend. We were laughing, being silly, acting like we were the only two in the world just loving each others company. It was a moment that made life worth fighting for. But then he said "This is another memory that I will have when you pass away." Silence, sadness in our hearts. But in that blink of an eye we were back to our silliness.
So now I realize it can work both ways. I can turn off my sadness because there is more happiness to enjoy. I wish that is was as flowing as the "happiness to sadness" feelings. "Sadness to happiness" requires effort. Hapiness to sadness just happens. My son Mario is so brave when he faces the sadness he feels but goes on to live his life carrying his great burden. He has taught me a lot and just keeps teaching me about how to stop my sad thoughts and just move on. So it's happiness to sadness and back to happiness again. It's a cycle. Thank you Mario for showing me the way back to my life - to live for the moment.
Oh how life changes in the blink of an eye. How quickly parents who teach their children become parents who are taught by their children. In a New York Minute everything could change. How those lyrics by the Eagles ring so true.
One more thing - I love you Mario (And that is one thing that will never change even after I pass away.)