Remember When

I think it is about time I write again. I don't think it is laziness. I think it is time management. With all the things there are to do in this world it is hard to fit everything in. Considering that my life has to be go, go, go taking time to stop, stop, stop and blog, blog, blog isn't easy, easy,easy. Alright! I'll stop the silliness and get right down to the post.
I've been having very sentimental thoughts lately. Especially when it comes to my children. They just grew so fast. I look at all three and get a huge case of the "remember whens" - Michelle, remember when you had the tantrum when you were about three and told me you wanted another mother and I calmly took you by the hand and you wanted to know where I was taking you . My reply, "oh honey, I would do anything to make you happy and if a new mother is what you want we are going out to find one." You have to admit that was a good one. Jay, remember our afternoon date to Pine Banks when there was ice and snow. I think you were four. We went to see if the peacock was still there and trying to take a shortcut down from that little hill we slid all the way down on our asses (I can say asses now because you are older) and we just couldn't stop laughing. Mario, remember when we were in Hershey one morning (just last summer) in the hotel and we were eating Hershey kisses for breakfast and daddy had to take the candy from us? Michelle, remember when we were in the big dressing room at Frugal Fannies and you pointed to a woman with very large breasts and said very loudly "look at the lady with the big boobs!" The whole dressing room heard you-even the lady with the big boobs! Jay, remember going to McDonald's every Wednesday afternoon and having to sit at the exact same table and order the exact same food. And the table was close to the door and everytime it opened I would be so cold. But I would never even think to sit anywhere else. Mario, remember reading Amelia Bedelia down the Cape and how we laughed when we saw the picture of how she "dressed the chicken." And Michael, I haven't forgotten about you - Remember when we were first married and we both called out sick from work and headed to New Hampshire. We walked the Flume and saw Clark's Bears.
We all have thousands and thousands of memories about growing up, raising our children, time with our spouses. I won't bore you with anymore of mine. But take this opportunity to think back on some of your favorite memories. I seem to always dwell on all the ugly things cancer gave me but cancer has given me a beautiful thing. It forced me to remember bits and pieces of happiness and learn how to rekindle the feelings. Let me add one other pearl of wisdom. You don't need to have cancer to do this.
So I'm going to stop writing and keep thinking...Michelle, remember the school picture you took when you put your own make-up on without telling me-lipstick and all. Like mother like daughter! I'll enjoy the rest of my thoughts in the privacy of my own mind. I hope you all do the same.

Psych 101

My busy behaviors are bordering on manic to help me stay away from feelings of depression. I have become delusional because being off chemo I can make myself believe that I don't have cancer. There are hallucinating dreams seeing my body being eaten by cancer. I possess this uncanny ability to run around from thing to thing, thought to thought, person to person like I have ADHD, all because I'm afraid to stop and think. I act like a victim of PTSD because the thought, smell, and sight of Dana-Farber hangs in my senses and sometimes I get thrown right back into the treatment area with a blanket over my head. I'm a walking Psych 101 text book. And I have cancer to thank for it.

Tests and More Tests

I am sitting at my computer with a drink in my hand. It's not wine, it's not champagne, and it's not even a cold beer. It's magnesium citrate. For those that don't know what this is, I will tell you it is a prep for my colonoscopy. Now those out there that have had a colonoscopy in the past may remember their gallon of Go-Lytely. If you drank that then you are my hero. This is the more humane version of it but it does the same thing. I will have clean intestines by tomorrow afternoon. The colonoscopy is just one of those lovely tests that we all should have at 50 years old. (If you are over 50 and are reading this blog and have never had a colonoscopy I am begging you to get one) But what freaks me out is that when I was diagnosed with colon cancer I just turned fifty and was planning to see my doctor for a referral to have one - my appointment was scheduled for Nov. 1st and dignosis came on October 21st. Cancer was growing for about 8 years before that. It's strange that a killer can just sneak up on you and stalk you for years without any sign and then BANG you are terminal.
But the colonoscopy is just one test out of many all with their own set of discomforts. There are blood tests. Well, my chemoport saves my veins. The port is a box approximately 1.5x2 inches and is implanted below my left shoulder very close to under my armpit. It shows as a raised region under my skin. Installation of this port was considered a "minor" surgical procedure. (It really wasn't as minor as they said.) Anyway, there are two spots on the port that can be opened with a LARGE needle then blood can come OUT for tests or chemo can go IN to make me sick...or sorry, I meant to say extend my life. Anyway, blood tests are everytime I have treatment or any time I don't feel well. Blood tests are a necessary evil of the medical world. I not only get them but I order them for my patients with great frequency.
Another test is the CT scan, comonly referred to as CAT scan. For that I get a different drink. It is called gastrographin and they mix it with Crystal Light Lemon Ice Tea. I am instructed to drink two bottles within one hour. Again, I have to say it is more humane than the barium that is more commonly used. (You see Dana Farber patients are special.) Then before they can give me the CT scan they need more contrast in my body so they start an IV (they can't use my port because the contrast material that they have to inject goes in fast and my port just can't tolerate it.) Then hook it up to a machine that gives the injuection. The machine does it because it needs to done with lightening speed while I am going through the CT scanner, a much larger machine. Medical professionals are never in the room because radiation is emitted - another reason why a machine gives me the injection. Although the test is painless I have tears in my eyes from beginning to end. It is a constant reminder as to how sick I really am.
There have been PET scans, MRI's, and constant physical exams. All not horrible within themselves but they stand for something that I still cannot wrap my head around - I have terminal cancer and these tests are to check what it has done to my body or what the chemotherapy has done to the cancer.
I am a nurse practitioner - I order tests, I order injections (even for babies), I order consults with other doctors. I hope for normal results. My patients hope for normal results. As with my own tests, I never expect normal. I pray for "status quo." (Those words taken from a previous post).
I advocate for good health care and preventative medicine. So let me complain about those tests. I'll give everyone of my readers permission to complain about any medical test that is offered. But usually the test is for your own good!!! Did I say that??? Now I will live by my own thoughts. Medical/diagnostic tests aren't to REMIND me that I have cancer but they offer insight into who's winning the battle.

I'm not going to complain at all right now. I had a fantastic weekend with a fantastic bunch of women. The Langham Hotel and Bond will never be the same as we embarked on my dream weekend. Putting together women from all facets of my life was part of my bucket list and it really happened. I mean IT REALLY HAPPENED!!!!!! It was even better than I thought it was going to be but my predictions came true. I predicted that everyone would make new friends and they all did. I predicted that everyone would look beautiful and they did. I predicted that we would make a positive statement for women in their forties and fifties and we did. (Out of the 17 there was only one that didn't fall into that category, but she was close...hi Anna!) I predicted that the weekend would be memorable and it was.
Reality set in today when I had to go into Dana-Farber and have my chemo port opened and flushed. But as I said in the beginning of this post -I'm not going to complain. I keep viewing my weekend pictures (I promise they will get posted). Those pictures will sustain me through any sadness for a very long time. I realize I have many friends that laugh with me, cry with me and love me. Things could be worse but when you have an entourage like I felt I had at the Langham Hotel this weekend things just couldn't be better.
And to those friends that weren't there because they were male, because I had to limit the guest list at some point, or because they were too young - you all make my life better. And lastly, I have so much family behind me that at my lowest points the reality is my life is better than most.
One last thought-just because I didn't complain in this post doesn't mean I will never complain again. I'm just so very thankful that I have listeners. Those friends that were with me this weekend, those that weren't, and my family will just have to bear with me. I am not ungrateful but I am only human. I send my love to all of you.

Fleeting Forgetfulness

It was music to my ears. Mario was awesome playing his saxaphone in the elementary school band. Michelle came to see him-even more of a treat. Then we were home and Jay showed up. All three of my children at the same time. I just love it!
But I'm sad. I sat around and looked at all the families at the concert. I wondered how many of them had their lives effected by cancer? How close was this cancer? Anyone in that audience battling cancer now or how many people sitting there had battled it in the past? I just wanted to be able to sit and enjoy the concert; enjoy the company of friends and aquaintences that I met during the course of Mario's elementary school life. But I just couldn't! Michelle's former 5th grade teacher was at the concert. We went to say hello to him and I asked him if he heard that I had cancer. I'm not sure why I asked that question? It just came out of my mouth. Did I want to explain my super short hair? Did I need to hear someone else tell me to keep fighting? Did I need sympathy or maybe empathy? Or is this the part of me that identifies who I am?
I'm in the audience and my mind wanders to the party I am having at the Langham Hotel. It's a gathering of friends from different avenues of my life. I am very excited about this. I am sorry it is my cancer that is getting everyone together but I am promising myself that cancer is not going to be a part of any conversation. I don't want it to be the elephant in the room. I don't want it to bring the party down. I'm going to pretend I don't have cancer. I wonder if that is possible.
I start looking around again and just as I was ready to go off into another daydream, just as I was feeling the sadness tug at my heart, just as I was getting ready to think how unfair this really is...the kids came walking in, holding their adult-size musical instruments in their child-size hands, and my son in the middle of this march with a smile from ear to ear. So just for a second I felt his joy and for that split second was able to forget I had cancer.
Now I'm home, feeling very sad but very thankful for seeing that great big smile on my beautiful son as he carried his large saxphone in his little hands. By the way, it was such a beautiful performance!!

I was just thinking...

This is just going to be a short post. No work today - but if I say no work how come I emptied the dishwasher, did a load of laundry, made a marinara sauce for supper, went over with Mario some of the things on his Social Studies test, made Mario breakfast, and cleaned one of the bathrooms - and it is not even nine o'clock!!!! Does this type of routine sound familiar. I'm not going to complain. I am so happy I feel good enought to do this.
Just one more thought on this post. Nothing earthshattering; just the truth. If my kids ever read this, even if I am not living on this earth with them I just want them to know that I love them very much, I think of them everyday, I am proud of their accomplishments, and I am honored to be their mother. It try to tell them now but I am not sure how much they listen or really hear. But one of the saddest things about having cancer is that I can see their life going on without me. I truly feel I will always be watching but I will not be in the midst of it. For that I am sorry. Although it may not be easy, they will go on and do well and for that I am joyful.
And because I have colon cancer, on their 40th birthdays (ten years before the general population) they will hear me shout from the heavens "Get your colonoscopy!!!!" Michelle, Jay, and Mario I love you very much.