I'm a ghost again. Watched my husband and son get ready for a wedding that was on MY side of the family. But I'm sick with Chemo. I can't go so my ghost get restless and went anyway. Saw my family asking Michael "how are you doing?", Are you doing OK with Mario", "Is it hard to live alone?" Michael was right to the point in answering these questions - "no", fine,", "Not so much hard but different." As he's answering the questions his mind is not there. All he keeps thinking about is that he just buried his wife last week, what am I doing at this "f#$%ing wedding!" My ghost yells "I'm with you baby but I miss you terribly." You see that when I'm a ghost nobody can see me or hear me but somtimes they feel your prescene. I think Michael did because I saw him smile for no apparent reason after I said those words. Be it me on this earth or my ghostly spirit Michael and I will always be connected. Our life together has been fun, stressful, full of suprises, complicated, and deep. We survived major crises and we lived through my illness to the very end. Dear Michael, if you can feel my spirit or hear my words I want you to know that I will always love you and my ghost will always be there to support you. We will stay connected forever.

Irony

Everyday that I work have the privilege of seeing pieces of the lives of others. Many of these people live uncertain lives in what I feel is a very uncertain world. Very often I wonder what drives them to go on, what makes them successful, what makes them resilient.
These people have names, faces, and feelings. Are they American born or immigrants. If immigrints are they legal or illegal? Are they litterate or illiterate? Did they graduate fom college or did they stop school in 5th grade? The truth is, I really don't care what the answers are to these questions. They are all human beings in need of some sort of "health care" that I have been destined to provide. Social statistics are irrelevant.
In this blog I don't feel the need to talk about my cancer. I have been given many gifts - intelligence, compassion, tolerance, and patience. These gifts are what has allowed me to do the work that I do and as a result of my vocation to stand in awe of those that suffer, survive and even come out on top. I stand to learn a lot from those that elevate me to a status that I do not feel worthy. Isn't it ironic?

Thank You!

Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle goes my stomach, tingle, tingle, tingle through my fingers and toes,, ouch, ouch, ouch evertime I brush my teeth - just sounds of my everyday life. Thank you chemotherapy!
Every other weekend losing 5 days of my life - Thank you chemotherapy!
Loosing my hair then having it grow back different than my own - Thank you chemotherapy!
Being too sick to attend events and parties - Thank you Chemotherapy!
Anixiety to the point of insomnia every other Thursday - Thank you chemotherapy!
Having a port-a-cath implanted in my chest that is a constant reminder of my disease - Thank you chemotherapy!

Do I sound angry? - maybe. Do I sound grateful ?- I think not! Do I sound sarcastic? - most likely.

Have you ever thought you couldn't live without something (or someone). Usually it's a material desire, a beloved friend or family member, or a God of some type. It could be any type of want. In any case when I've ever said I can't live without something it is usually a positive image.
Now I have another "can't live without". This one I didn't choose. This one is not positive, but I'm told it is the only thing that will keep me alive. So I'll say it out loud "I can't live without chemotherapy." Why? Well just let me say "Thank you cancer!" Stupid Cancer

Advice

I want to write something but I'm not sure what to write. I know I am tired of thinking about my medical plight and I'm sure there are many that don't need to hear about it right now. Everyone has their own worries and sorrows. So today I am thinking of you. I will share my secrets of how to feel good when you feel you just can't take anymore:

1. Pray and allow others to pray for you - a sense of comfort will surround you.
2. Keep your eyes wide open and notice children, animals, nature, and the human face - you will continue to see beauty.
3. Spend time with friends and family - you will have a guaranteed chance to smile. (Just as an aside, it does not have to be face to face. E-mail, facebook, text messaging, and phone calls also count! They have the same effect.)
4. Excercise and eat healthy - you still have some control of your body and you'll fit much better in your clothes. By the way, I consider chocolate to be one of the healthiest foods on earth!
5. Learn something new everyday - you can still advance your mind.
6. Read good books - you will expand your horizons.
7. Watch mindless television - your will rest your mind.
8. Live for the moment, not just for the future - you will find enjoyment.
9. Always be honest - you will not feel guilty with regret.
10. Express your feelings - it will release the tension.

At most,I hope this list will help someone. Or at it's least give some insight as to how I am living my life to its fullest even though the ghosts loom over my head.