I'm watching the world go by me, trying to join in, hoping to feel happiness, wishing to feel something. But I feel like the ghost again, hovering over a world in which I am not a part. You see may see me. Today someone at Dana-Farber told me I really looked pretty, I had someone tell me I looked youthful, someone else said "can you believe it, I'd never pick you in a crowd as someone with cancer." I go to the mirror to look what people see and it is only a very tired shell of a person that wears red lipstick to appear as someone with life.
Is it all that chemotherapy in my system that makes me feel so unreal? Maybe it's the unbearable tiredness. It could be just this mad depression that I will go to my grave denying. Or could it be true that I am really a ghost. Because if it is really true that I have to have this chemotherapy every week I can never be me again. I'm so glad I got to shine this summer because the ghost that I am is not really me. The contrast is almost too sad to bear.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Stupid Gift of Cancer
By now most of my readers should know the results of my scan. If not I will sum things up as they stand. Tumors are growing so I need more chemo. (Call me or check facebook for details) Although it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination I try to focus on the positive. I searched for something positive in my scan results so I started by thinking "at least it didn't go to my brain." But I could only recieve comfort from that for so long. Weekly trips to Dana-Farber are about to begin. Is there something positive - Oh yeah, I really like to talk to my nurses and Dr. Abrams, my oncologist, is a great guy. That thought was dashed very quickly from my mind. The reality is that because I will be on a clinical trial I will meet with research team doctors and nurses - all of whom I do not know. I guess there is something good in that because I will meet more wonderful Dana-Farber staff. How about this - because I will need so many rides into Dana-Farber I will get to see different friends and family, as I impinge on their generosity and time for rides, on a frequent rotating basis. Then I thought about the many fun times I've had with friends and family and we weren't even going to Dana-Farber for treatment. And this is where the "aha" moment hit me. It was easy and made perfect sense. I would do a type of thought stopping and substitute any negative thoughts with a happy memory from this past summer. I'd like to share some of those happy thoughts. (They are in no particular order.)
1. Michael, Mario, and I staying at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas. We were really rocking.
2. Inside the Hoover Dam with Mario and Michael. Mario was so fescinated he was able to tell you exactly how the generators worked when we finished the tour.
3. Also the helicoter ride over Lake Mead and the Hoover Dam. I was with Mario and he was speechless with awe. And as his mother of his eleven years, I have never seen him speechless.
4. With Mario and also with Maria, her two boys and my brother-in-law Carl- Aerosmith at Fenway. I reminded Mario that peole always remember their first concert. His memory will be Aerosmith at Fenway with his mother!!! I think that is pretty funny.
5. Early summer, I was invited to Betty's pool. Of course, I took the liberty of inviting Kathy. Mario again was with us. I brought a bottle of wine. It was 1PM...well fast forward to 7PM, Betty, Mario, and I still at the pool with three empty bottles of wine. Mario was just very polite asking "Mom. when you finish that glass of wine will you please come in the pool with me.
6. Michelle and I had quite a few days of shopping our "special stores."
7. With Joann met Sarah in Kittery and had such a nice supper, overlooking a little ocean inlet.
8. How can I forget Baltimore - Jen, Joann, Anna, Lisa, Irene, and myself - we ate, drank, and laughed over and over again. By the way, Joann was very brave and with some assistance from ativan and friends she flew for the first time in over a dozen years.
9. Anna, Carole, Lorraine - we had wine and or'derves with Debbie on her front porch. The view - my house. You don't have to travel far to have a nice evening.
10. Another Magical evening with Maria on Fourth of July. There was sangria, food, Michael, TJ, Nick, and Carl. I also made a new friend. Fireworks, friends, food, and family are a priceless combination.
11. The many weekends down the Cape, spending time with my kind and generous in-laws (Adeline, Gerry, Sofia, and Ernie) and my beautiful neice Jenna and handsome nephew Evan. Family has been everything.
12. My brother Steve turned 50 and my mother turned 80 this summer. A family backyard barbecue at my parents was a great event.
13. My gorgeous 17 year old neice Angela was baptised into her Church. I missed the Baptism, I was very late for the party but I had great conversation with my brother, his wife, and two of their friends from their church. And I think I might have convincd someone to stop being afraid and to get a screening colonoscopy.
15. The Lea Sophia jewelry party that never was - The jewelry lady cancelled but Lisa still hosted her party without the jewelry but with plenty of food, wine, and friends.
16. I told you this list is in no particular order - I'm back at the Cape, it is beginning of summer, the beach is crowded, so everyone sits as one happy group. Corona Lights (the signature drink of my summer), and all my Cape friends and family...This was a perfect beach day.
17. I managed to get five flat tires this summer - one on the way to the Cape, one on the way home from the Cape, one on my way to Church, and two on my way to the gym. Thank you Triple A, Jimmy (Tammy's husband), Dom, Julia, Michael, and Michael again. (Not a fun memory, but a memory none-the-less.)
18. Seeing Michael Flanagan (mrf) perform. His proud mother, his beautiful sister, my beautiful daughter, and her devoted boyfriend were all there. Michael was playing the piano and at that point a transvestite was singing. I looked at my daughter and said "Being in a gay bar, with my daughter, her boyfriend, and friends from the Cape, watching Michael play with a drag queen singing has to be one of the oddest, funniest, and happiest memories of the summer.
19. Meeting Michelle for lunch on Newbury Street - I got through the security in her building just by saying that I know she works in administration, she has long dark hair and she is very, very pretty. The security guard knew exactly who I meant and he sent me to the fourth floor.
20. Now I'm back in Vegas - so sorry for the confusing list. My son Jay and three of his friends met us there. I did not see Jay without a smile on his face.
21. (We'll stay in Las Vegas) Riding thrill rides with Mario and Michael.
22. And visiting the pawn shop where "Pawn Stars" is filmed and seeing the old man. That was quite a thrill to see a real movie star.
23. I'm going to add "working a lot" in my happy memories. Anna, Nick, and Vivian are the greatest people to share an office with. Nick and I worked on "Chlamydia, the Musical." Vivian and I learned that a ride in my convertible at lunch time rejuvanated us for the afternoon. And Anna we are more beautiful than Nick. Oh yeah, we saw patients as well.
24. Anna taught me how to do minor surgery - Does anyone need an ingrown toenail to be cut?
25. My friend Nancy, her baby is very sick with cancer - that is very sad, but going out for tea in China Town and having dinner at the Horseshoe Cafe were supportive times for the both of us. We also had more than a few laughs (like normal people) as well.
26. You can't have a summer without the Red Sox - Michael and I went for our 26th wedding anniversary - Yeah!! Then I went with Vivan and Carol from work and my son Mario. We missed the top of the first because we were running late and when we got into Fenway the score was 6-0 Reds Sox losing. I continue to cheer when I see Tim Wakefield.
27. The Fisherman's Feast where Michael, Mario, and I went with Deb and Bruce and met up with Maryann and her family - a wonderful reunion and celebration of Michael's birthday.
28. St. Anthony's feast where I met many of my North End facebook friends. And seeing Frankie-I love you! And you bear part of the responsibility of getting Michael and I together. And in pure Frankie style, said to my daughter's boyfriend Travis "you owe me." Stephanie - great to see you out of gym clothes.
29. I also can appreciate feeling healthy and strong. Steve, Chris, Melanie, Drew, Krista, and Susan (who I feel I have to include) were all part of my "work-out happiness at 6AM.
30. Lunch at the Langham with Maria. It's always magical when I'm with Maria.
I'm sure I missed some of happy times in my life with a chemo-free summer and missed some of the names that should be in this post. But I am only human. If I wasn't human I wouldn't have this stupid cancer. So I'll end this post, put on another application of red lipstick and smile as I review this summer. Sometimes bad things open your eyes really wide to the good things - Could that be a gift from cancer. Even if it is, I believe from the deepest part of my heart and soul that cancer is still stupid.
1. Michael, Mario, and I staying at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas. We were really rocking.
2. Inside the Hoover Dam with Mario and Michael. Mario was so fescinated he was able to tell you exactly how the generators worked when we finished the tour.
3. Also the helicoter ride over Lake Mead and the Hoover Dam. I was with Mario and he was speechless with awe. And as his mother of his eleven years, I have never seen him speechless.
4. With Mario and also with Maria, her two boys and my brother-in-law Carl- Aerosmith at Fenway. I reminded Mario that peole always remember their first concert. His memory will be Aerosmith at Fenway with his mother!!! I think that is pretty funny.
5. Early summer, I was invited to Betty's pool. Of course, I took the liberty of inviting Kathy. Mario again was with us. I brought a bottle of wine. It was 1PM...well fast forward to 7PM, Betty, Mario, and I still at the pool with three empty bottles of wine. Mario was just very polite asking "Mom. when you finish that glass of wine will you please come in the pool with me.
6. Michelle and I had quite a few days of shopping our "special stores."
7. With Joann met Sarah in Kittery and had such a nice supper, overlooking a little ocean inlet.
8. How can I forget Baltimore - Jen, Joann, Anna, Lisa, Irene, and myself - we ate, drank, and laughed over and over again. By the way, Joann was very brave and with some assistance from ativan and friends she flew for the first time in over a dozen years.
9. Anna, Carole, Lorraine - we had wine and or'derves with Debbie on her front porch. The view - my house. You don't have to travel far to have a nice evening.
10. Another Magical evening with Maria on Fourth of July. There was sangria, food, Michael, TJ, Nick, and Carl. I also made a new friend. Fireworks, friends, food, and family are a priceless combination.
11. The many weekends down the Cape, spending time with my kind and generous in-laws (Adeline, Gerry, Sofia, and Ernie) and my beautiful neice Jenna and handsome nephew Evan. Family has been everything.
12. My brother Steve turned 50 and my mother turned 80 this summer. A family backyard barbecue at my parents was a great event.
13. My gorgeous 17 year old neice Angela was baptised into her Church. I missed the Baptism, I was very late for the party but I had great conversation with my brother, his wife, and two of their friends from their church. And I think I might have convincd someone to stop being afraid and to get a screening colonoscopy.
15. The Lea Sophia jewelry party that never was - The jewelry lady cancelled but Lisa still hosted her party without the jewelry but with plenty of food, wine, and friends.
16. I told you this list is in no particular order - I'm back at the Cape, it is beginning of summer, the beach is crowded, so everyone sits as one happy group. Corona Lights (the signature drink of my summer), and all my Cape friends and family...This was a perfect beach day.
17. I managed to get five flat tires this summer - one on the way to the Cape, one on the way home from the Cape, one on my way to Church, and two on my way to the gym. Thank you Triple A, Jimmy (Tammy's husband), Dom, Julia, Michael, and Michael again. (Not a fun memory, but a memory none-the-less.)
18. Seeing Michael Flanagan (mrf) perform. His proud mother, his beautiful sister, my beautiful daughter, and her devoted boyfriend were all there. Michael was playing the piano and at that point a transvestite was singing. I looked at my daughter and said "Being in a gay bar, with my daughter, her boyfriend, and friends from the Cape, watching Michael play with a drag queen singing has to be one of the oddest, funniest, and happiest memories of the summer.
19. Meeting Michelle for lunch on Newbury Street - I got through the security in her building just by saying that I know she works in administration, she has long dark hair and she is very, very pretty. The security guard knew exactly who I meant and he sent me to the fourth floor.
20. Now I'm back in Vegas - so sorry for the confusing list. My son Jay and three of his friends met us there. I did not see Jay without a smile on his face.
21. (We'll stay in Las Vegas) Riding thrill rides with Mario and Michael.
22. And visiting the pawn shop where "Pawn Stars" is filmed and seeing the old man. That was quite a thrill to see a real movie star.
23. I'm going to add "working a lot" in my happy memories. Anna, Nick, and Vivian are the greatest people to share an office with. Nick and I worked on "Chlamydia, the Musical." Vivian and I learned that a ride in my convertible at lunch time rejuvanated us for the afternoon. And Anna we are more beautiful than Nick. Oh yeah, we saw patients as well.
24. Anna taught me how to do minor surgery - Does anyone need an ingrown toenail to be cut?
25. My friend Nancy, her baby is very sick with cancer - that is very sad, but going out for tea in China Town and having dinner at the Horseshoe Cafe were supportive times for the both of us. We also had more than a few laughs (like normal people) as well.
26. You can't have a summer without the Red Sox - Michael and I went for our 26th wedding anniversary - Yeah!! Then I went with Vivan and Carol from work and my son Mario. We missed the top of the first because we were running late and when we got into Fenway the score was 6-0 Reds Sox losing. I continue to cheer when I see Tim Wakefield.
27. The Fisherman's Feast where Michael, Mario, and I went with Deb and Bruce and met up with Maryann and her family - a wonderful reunion and celebration of Michael's birthday.
28. St. Anthony's feast where I met many of my North End facebook friends. And seeing Frankie-I love you! And you bear part of the responsibility of getting Michael and I together. And in pure Frankie style, said to my daughter's boyfriend Travis "you owe me." Stephanie - great to see you out of gym clothes.
29. I also can appreciate feeling healthy and strong. Steve, Chris, Melanie, Drew, Krista, and Susan (who I feel I have to include) were all part of my "work-out happiness at 6AM.
30. Lunch at the Langham with Maria. It's always magical when I'm with Maria.
I'm sure I missed some of happy times in my life with a chemo-free summer and missed some of the names that should be in this post. But I am only human. If I wasn't human I wouldn't have this stupid cancer. So I'll end this post, put on another application of red lipstick and smile as I review this summer. Sometimes bad things open your eyes really wide to the good things - Could that be a gift from cancer. Even if it is, I believe from the deepest part of my heart and soul that cancer is still stupid.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)