I'm watching the world go by me, trying to join in, hoping to feel happiness, wishing to feel something. But I feel like the ghost again, hovering over a world in which I am not a part. You see may see me. Today someone at Dana-Farber told me I really looked pretty, I had someone tell me I looked youthful, someone else said "can you believe it, I'd never pick you in a crowd as someone with cancer." I go to the mirror to look what people see and it is only a very tired shell of a person that wears red lipstick to appear as someone with life.
Is it all that chemotherapy in my system that makes me feel so unreal? Maybe it's the unbearable tiredness. It could be just this mad depression that I will go to my grave denying. Or could it be true that I am really a ghost. Because if it is really true that I have to have this chemotherapy every week I can never be me again. I'm so glad I got to shine this summer because the ghost that I am is not really me. The contrast is almost too sad to bear.
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