A Good Day

I have to say that it is pretty funny how much energy you can muster when there is something you really want to do. "Not feeling very well" is pretty much my status quo. But somehow or other I have been able to laugh, socialize, go to Church, shop, cook, clean, wear my high heels, put on my red lipstick, and work - maybe not as much as I like but never the less, I still have these parts of my life. It was a good day yesterday because I did every one of these things (except work).

Don't get me wrong. I have periods of sadness, pain, and weakness. (If you a readers of this blog I have no need to tell you about it.) I have the need to feel, these feelings. But I can understand the importance of taking advantage of the days that feel normal; the days that are status quo. Those are the days to push, to forge on ahead, to live life, to be hopeful and to be thankful.

So today is one of those days and I am compelled to write about it. Just a normal day and I rejoice! Thinking of my last scan and hearing the word "calcifications" for the first time and I rejoice! Attending Sunday Mass and I rejoice! Having dinner with my family and I rejoice! Fresh, clean sheets on the bed and I rejoice! Looking at my husband and children's pictures and I rejoice. Shopping and finding a bargain and I rejoice! Thinking about my career in healthcare and I rejoice! There are so many things in my life that are good. Not just good, but great. Today I will continue to notice the good things and put the scary, bad things aside.

So today is one of those days I feel alive. I feel like I will beat this cancer. I realize that I have already beaten the odds. I will continue to rejoice the good things in my life. And today I will also pray for those that see nothing but darkness in their lives. Everyone deserves a little light and in the midst of bad things you may have to dig for that light, or even wait for that light. And when it flickers just push to make it shine. Have a great day everyone. I've climbed through the darkness yet another time. I've made status quo feel wonderful!

The Ghost Came for a Visit

I am feeling very sad and very guilty today. I am thinking about my son Mario's needs. OK, he is almost 12 but he still has a need to be entertained. It is school vacation week and I just can't seem to fill that need in him. I have been making attempts but they seem to be very feeble in comparison to the personal dimensions of his need. He has said to me on many occasions that he wishes I was like the old mom. He remembers me being like the energizer bunny - very happy memories. I hear his engine rev even when he is tired. Just last night he took Mario snowtubing with the Nazarro Center. Over the weekend he just occupied his time, being able to get him to where he needed to go, picking him up - reallt being such a great father. Then here I am - "Sorry Mario, I have treatment." I go to bed at night thinking I'll have a stronger day tomorrow - but it is usually wishful thinking and I feel just awful. But I keep on trying and that's all I can do. ALL I CAN DO - those words hang heavily in my head: just as the pins and needle feelings hang heavily on my fingers and toes, feelings of nausea hang heavily in my belly, and feelings of low self-worth hang in my thoughts.
The ghost of me appears again. Everybody snow-tubing with Mario including Michael, Carl, Sofia, Ernie, Maria, Jenna, Evan, TJ, and Nick. All having a good time, enjoying eachother's company, laughing with the kids, adults cold, children just playing in the cold. There's all the actions, there's all the feelings that I want to be a part. And where's the boy's mother???? Last night I was the ghost in the trees.
So today, Mario and I made Candy Apples. We were working on this project at 8AM. I was physically and emotionally present and it felt good. But a few hours later I hear him on the phone telling Alan, a good friend of the family who lives in our neighborhood, "my mom really can't do anything much with me today. She doesn't feel good and she is tired. Can I come hang with you?" We were in the room together when he made this call, though tried hard to muffle the conversation, knowing it would inflict some pain if I heard him talking out loud. What a considerate boy!
So I spend the afternoon feeling sad and guilty. I try so hard to be the normal mom. I try so hard to offer entertainment to my beautiful Mario. I think that I failed today on both counts. But now I spy the candy apples, I spy the core of the one he has already eaten. Mario I love you, it is not fair that you have a mother who is sick but the reality is that I love you as much as I could even if I wasn't sick. and even when I am not there my thoughts will always be and even when I leave this world my ghost will never stop enjoying your moments. And sometimes the ghosts seem to come out early, just to see how it feels.

Happy Week

I am only going to say good and positive things on this post. Having limited treatment 2 weeks ago and no treatment this past weekend really gave me a chance to feel like I was on a mini-vacation. Very mini, but I know how to pack a lot into the times I am feeling good. With chemo every week those times have been limited but I'm not going to complain because I had such a jam-packed two weeks. It was such a respite from a pretty sickly existence. Met with past and presents firends. And I mean past - there were friends from Franciscan Children's Hospital where I held a job 20 years ago. Friends from before Michael and I were married. Present day friends mixed with friends from the past. Past friends that have been with me throughout the many years of my life. Family, mixed with firends. I wish I could list all the names but I am afraid that I will miss someone. I would never want to offend anyone. But you all know who you are. There were many friends that I did not get to so I am saving that for my next weekend off. I know who you all are.
So tomorrow I work, as well as the next and the next. They will be all good days. Then Friday comes and I will get hammered with the poisons that keep me alive. But I won't digress (or regress). So I give myself a big pat on the back for not letting a spare minute of my "well" time go by without filling it in a positive way. So as I sit in my chemo chair on Friday, wearing high heels and sporting my lipstick I will run my mind over the past 10 days that have brought me nothing but joy. And then I will plan for the next time I get so much as a week's break. It will keep me happy.
Perspectives differ for me now than they did when I first started treatment. Before it would be "one week, only one week" now "thank you for that one "long" week." I try to be grateful for everything. I am grateful for everyone that takes the time to read this blog. For many reasons I write and for many reasons people read. I continue to be grateful for my red lipstick. Both make my smile just that much more prominent.
One last thing Happy Valentines Day to all my fans - I've taken your hearts, wove them into a blanket and am feeling myself wrapped up in them all. Just another thing to broaden the smile on my face.