Status Quo

Hi again, I spoke with my oncologist todays about some "shitty" symptoms that I have been having since Christmas Eve. I will not elaborate on the symtoms but I think the quotation marks from the previous sentence is quite a clue. Now multiply what you are thinking X 10. That is the true picture. But I kept trying to keep up with the fluid loss so a pat on the back for me because I didn't end up in Dana-Farber again getting fluids from a tube that is attached to veins in my chest. No thank you, I'd rather drink my fluids please.
So about my conversation with Dr. Abrams - He feels the symptoms were from the "insane" amount of chemo he had subjected me to. And I think I am a little insane for letting him do it. But I really want to stay alive so you do what you need to do. I have nothing but admiration towards Dr. Abrams his treatment of my cancer. He is a young doctor that faces tough choices everyday. I believe he has shed many tears with his patients and also has experienced great joys. He is sincere and caring doctor and wants me to have a good quality of life.
Sorry for the tangent and back to the plan. I have a scan in 1 week and see him in about 10 days. If the scan is status quo (or better) I will take a break from treatment with a scan every 12 weeks and as long as they remain status quo then I can stay off treatment until the scan begins to look bad. When it looks bad then we'll go into Dr. Abrams' back pocket and find something that will beat up on those tumors again.
I am cautiously happy - I want to expect a good scan, but I'm scared. If I expect too much I might get disappointed. Wow! That kind of thinking is from the deep memory banks of my brain. Before diagnosis I was the eternal optimist. I worked hard not to expect less than I want. Without even knowing it cancer has changed my optomistic outlook that I fought so very hard to obtain.
And when was status quo even thought to be good enough. I hate status quo - I always want to be better than what I am at this moment - I read, I study, I listen to colleagues, patients, friends and family, my favorite quote - "you learn something knew everyday." Why do I like that quote -because it means you better yourself, open your mind to other's thoughts, or you fight to overide what you think are opinions that don't coincide with your own thoughts. But you are growing and you are changing. As I wrote those last words the dawn shines and I understand status quo in relation to malignant tumors - the last thing you want them to do is change because of growth.
I'm really scared now. I'm scared to have deep happiness, I'm scared of new treatments, I'm scared of pain, and I'm scared of accepting status quo into my life.
Until next time - Rosanne