Why???

Why??? What a question for a title to my first blog!! I put it there because since my cancer diagnosis I had many "why" questions. I also know that as I grew up I must have been asking many "why" questions. Sometimes I thought I had all the right answers. WRONG!! I made some interesting mistakes. But hear I am!!
I think asking "why" helped me to be a student for at least 25 yrs. of my life. Although little did I know that once you got to college you had to find the "why" andswer on your own and once you found the "why" there was always another "why." Today, as a nurse practition I am always asking "why." But I've been known to cheat a little in finding the answers - Dr. Nick, Dr. Anna, and NP Vivian have come to the rescue many times (especially when I needed the answer quickly because I have three other people in the waitingroom of the clinic looking for my expertise. )
Then I see the next patient and they my start the visit by asking "why" was I a waiting so long." Which brings the "why" question back to me - "Why" did they wait so long. But then comes the next "w" word in my next thought - "What " can I do so it doesn't happen again. But let's get back to "why" and save "what" for another blog.
My cancer diagnosis is full of "why" questions. (And "what"questions, the biggest one after rceiving my diagnosis - "What the @#%$? ) Now back to "why". The first "why" was obvious - "Why me?" I'll tell anyone with cancer that it's just a waste of good healing energy to ask that question "why me" because you will never know!!!! The newest "why" questions have much more to do with others than me. First of all "why" are people so openly kind to me and go out of their way to express their kindess?" I can answer very simply by saying "because they are good people and they see me as their friend." You know what's coming "but "why" do they see me as worthy of their good nature?" Continuing to answer those kind of esoteric questions is another energy consumer so now I say "well, they just do!"
"Why does my family and friends have to see me sick, sad and grumpy" - that's not my true personality. And if I try to paint a smile on with my beautiful red lipstick I only look silly. (Pink looks just as silly!)But I do tell people that if they see me without lipstick it is really a time to worry. I worried this past Saturday and Sunday when I didn't have the strength to even lift that tube. The tube became lighter yesterday but I did need a little extra help to lift it. A vist at home from Fr. G, Communion, counsel and prayers gave me all the muscle I needed.
OK. another "why" question. "Why" did God give me the strength to fight!! 50 rounds of chemo therapy in two years does say a lot about strength, but "why" have I been able to do this. Since I have a strong sense of God in my life the ultimate answer to every "why" question starts out as God being the anwer. But you know what happens there. Even more "why" questions come out.
This blog can go on and on forever, unfortunately none of us can be a blog and just keep on going. I hope I've peaked an interest in the word "why" because from anwers come questions. Philosophers, scientist, doctors, clergy, teachers, mechanics, etc only become greater if they keep asking "why". (I strive to join the ranks of the great thinkers - Plato, Aristotle, Rosanne)
But cancer is not a blog. It is a real thing that destroys family, causes many tears, turns believers into doubters and doubter into believers. It cannot go on forever like a blog. Cancer can make you responsible to anwer the hardest question of all and that has to do with when "enough is enough." (A very much heard quote when I was younger - it either was said to me or came from but I always liked that line. ) So with my lipstick on I say to all my readers that the fight isn't over yet. Enough is not quite enough so I'm still in the fight. The image of the punching bag clown reigned in my head throughout my life. Go ahead and try to knock me down - I'll be back up and maybe even hit you smack in the face. Don't fight with a fighter. But then there is the bully that will slice it until all the air comes out. But I know very well that patches can hold things together for a while. I think I've been held by strong patches for a long time. But they do wear thin!!
How much more of this illness can I take and still have a life. (Sorry, not a "why" question)?Remember cancer can consume you - And that's not "how" I want to live!!! WHY??...

Love to all, Rosanne