No Life

I'm watching the world go by me, trying to join in, hoping to feel happiness, wishing to feel something. But I feel like the ghost again, hovering over a world in which I am not a part. You see may see me. Today someone at Dana-Farber told me I really looked pretty, I had someone tell me I looked youthful, someone else said "can you believe it, I'd never pick you in a crowd as someone with cancer." I go to the mirror to look what people see and it is only a very tired shell of a person that wears red lipstick to appear as someone with life.
Is it all that chemotherapy in my system that makes me feel so unreal? Maybe it's the unbearable tiredness. It could be just this mad depression that I will go to my grave denying. Or could it be true that I am really a ghost. Because if it is really true that I have to have this chemotherapy every week I can never be me again. I'm so glad I got to shine this summer because the ghost that I am is not really me. The contrast is almost too sad to bear.

The Stupid Gift of Cancer

By now most of my readers should know the results of my scan. If not I will sum things up as they stand. Tumors are growing so I need more chemo. (Call me or check facebook for details) Although it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination I try to focus on the positive. I searched for something positive in my scan results so I started by thinking "at least it didn't go to my brain." But I could only recieve comfort from that for so long. Weekly trips to Dana-Farber are about to begin. Is there something positive - Oh yeah, I really like to talk to my nurses and Dr. Abrams, my oncologist, is a great guy. That thought was dashed very quickly from my mind. The reality is that because I will be on a clinical trial I will meet with research team doctors and nurses - all of whom I do not know. I guess there is something good in that because I will meet more wonderful Dana-Farber staff. How about this - because I will need so many rides into Dana-Farber I will get to see different friends and family, as I impinge on their generosity and time for rides, on a frequent rotating basis. Then I thought about the many fun times I've had with friends and family and we weren't even going to Dana-Farber for treatment. And this is where the "aha" moment hit me. It was easy and made perfect sense. I would do a type of thought stopping and substitute any negative thoughts with a happy memory from this past summer. I'd like to share some of those happy thoughts. (They are in no particular order.)

1. Michael, Mario, and I staying at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas. We were really rocking.
2. Inside the Hoover Dam with Mario and Michael. Mario was so fescinated he was able to tell you exactly how the generators worked when we finished the tour.
3. Also the helicoter ride over Lake Mead and the Hoover Dam. I was with Mario and he was speechless with awe. And as his mother of his eleven years, I have never seen him speechless.
4. With Mario and also with Maria, her two boys and my brother-in-law Carl- Aerosmith at Fenway. I reminded Mario that peole always remember their first concert. His memory will be Aerosmith at Fenway with his mother!!! I think that is pretty funny.
5. Early summer, I was invited to Betty's pool. Of course, I took the liberty of inviting Kathy. Mario again was with us. I brought a bottle of wine. It was 1PM...well fast forward to 7PM, Betty, Mario, and I still at the pool with three empty bottles of wine. Mario was just very polite asking "Mom. when you finish that glass of wine will you please come in the pool with me.
6. Michelle and I had quite a few days of shopping our "special stores."
7. With Joann met Sarah in Kittery and had such a nice supper, overlooking a little ocean inlet.
8. How can I forget Baltimore - Jen, Joann, Anna, Lisa, Irene, and myself - we ate, drank, and laughed over and over again. By the way, Joann was very brave and with some assistance from ativan and friends she flew for the first time in over a dozen years.
9. Anna, Carole, Lorraine - we had wine and or'derves with Debbie on her front porch. The view - my house. You don't have to travel far to have a nice evening.
10. Another Magical evening with Maria on Fourth of July. There was sangria, food, Michael, TJ, Nick, and Carl. I also made a new friend. Fireworks, friends, food, and family are a priceless combination.
11. The many weekends down the Cape, spending time with my kind and generous in-laws (Adeline, Gerry, Sofia, and Ernie) and my beautiful neice Jenna and handsome nephew Evan. Family has been everything.
12. My brother Steve turned 50 and my mother turned 80 this summer. A family backyard barbecue at my parents was a great event.
13. My gorgeous 17 year old neice Angela was baptised into her Church. I missed the Baptism, I was very late for the party but I had great conversation with my brother, his wife, and two of their friends from their church. And I think I might have convincd someone to stop being afraid and to get a screening colonoscopy.
15. The Lea Sophia jewelry party that never was - The jewelry lady cancelled but Lisa still hosted her party without the jewelry but with plenty of food, wine, and friends.
16. I told you this list is in no particular order - I'm back at the Cape, it is beginning of summer, the beach is crowded, so everyone sits as one happy group. Corona Lights (the signature drink of my summer), and all my Cape friends and family...This was a perfect beach day.
17. I managed to get five flat tires this summer - one on the way to the Cape, one on the way home from the Cape, one on my way to Church, and two on my way to the gym. Thank you Triple A, Jimmy (Tammy's husband), Dom, Julia, Michael, and Michael again. (Not a fun memory, but a memory none-the-less.)
18. Seeing Michael Flanagan (mrf) perform. His proud mother, his beautiful sister, my beautiful daughter, and her devoted boyfriend were all there. Michael was playing the piano and at that point a transvestite was singing. I looked at my daughter and said "Being in a gay bar, with my daughter, her boyfriend, and friends from the Cape, watching Michael play with a drag queen singing has to be one of the oddest, funniest, and happiest memories of the summer.
19. Meeting Michelle for lunch on Newbury Street - I got through the security in her building just by saying that I know she works in administration, she has long dark hair and she is very, very pretty. The security guard knew exactly who I meant and he sent me to the fourth floor.
20. Now I'm back in Vegas - so sorry for the confusing list. My son Jay and three of his friends met us there. I did not see Jay without a smile on his face.
21. (We'll stay in Las Vegas) Riding thrill rides with Mario and Michael.
22. And visiting the pawn shop where "Pawn Stars" is filmed and seeing the old man. That was quite a thrill to see a real movie star.
23. I'm going to add "working a lot" in my happy memories. Anna, Nick, and Vivian are the greatest people to share an office with. Nick and I worked on "Chlamydia, the Musical." Vivian and I learned that a ride in my convertible at lunch time rejuvanated us for the afternoon. And Anna we are more beautiful than Nick. Oh yeah, we saw patients as well.
24. Anna taught me how to do minor surgery - Does anyone need an ingrown toenail to be cut?
25. My friend Nancy, her baby is very sick with cancer - that is very sad, but going out for tea in China Town and having dinner at the Horseshoe Cafe were supportive times for the both of us. We also had more than a few laughs (like normal people) as well.
26. You can't have a summer without the Red Sox - Michael and I went for our 26th wedding anniversary - Yeah!! Then I went with Vivan and Carol from work and my son Mario. We missed the top of the first because we were running late and when we got into Fenway the score was 6-0 Reds Sox losing. I continue to cheer when I see Tim Wakefield.
27. The Fisherman's Feast where Michael, Mario, and I went with Deb and Bruce and met up with Maryann and her family - a wonderful reunion and celebration of Michael's birthday.
28. St. Anthony's feast where I met many of my North End facebook friends. And seeing Frankie-I love you! And you bear part of the responsibility of getting Michael and I together. And in pure Frankie style, said to my daughter's boyfriend Travis "you owe me." Stephanie - great to see you out of gym clothes.
29. I also can appreciate feeling healthy and strong. Steve, Chris, Melanie, Drew, Krista, and Susan (who I feel I have to include) were all part of my "work-out happiness at 6AM.
30. Lunch at the Langham with Maria. It's always magical when I'm with Maria.

I'm sure I missed some of happy times in my life with a chemo-free summer and missed some of the names that should be in this post. But I am only human. If I wasn't human I wouldn't have this stupid cancer. So I'll end this post, put on another application of red lipstick and smile as I review this summer. Sometimes bad things open your eyes really wide to the good things - Could that be a gift from cancer. Even if it is, I believe from the deepest part of my heart and soul that cancer is still stupid.

Opposite Emotions

I really feel I need to write this now but I really feel that I need to rest my mind.. I really feel the love and support I get from family and friends and I really feel empathy for those that don't have it. I really feel that my life has had (and continues to have) a purpose. I really feel that if given more time I can always upgrade that purpose. I really feel that this world can be cruel and unfair but I really feel that there is something better after this. I really feel pain but then I really feel comfort. I really feel happy but feel sadness looming over me. Opposing emotions!!! Just what the f*&k do you do with them????? Oh, that sounded a little angry but it is an honest question. Let's just say that I am frustrated because I can't find an answer that will make me happy.
I've been squirming in my seat in an effort to find my comfort zone somewhere in the middle. But what I've decided over the last couple of days is that there really is no more comfort zone. Coping with the reality of a terminal disease has made me too in tune to how I feel. I get flooded with thoughts and feelings, not just randomly but simultaneously. The more I try to beat the sadness down, the farther in sadness I sink. The more I want the happiness to sustain me I find myself in tears.
Now here comes the part I really don't understand. I thank God for my turmoil everyday. I am alive and I really feel. I really see with eyes so open. But with that comes a price because I feel that I see truth. I see the truth about myself, my relationships, my life's goals. Lately I've been able to see the world go on without me. It brings some feelings of joy and happiness. I see that the world doesn't exist just because of me. I see that there will be lot's of fun times and new memories after I am gone. Life will not stop. I experience both sadness and happiness when I face the realities of life after Rosanne. I am ecstatic to still be alive and fighting but I am horrified at the thought that I will be saying good bye! But I find comfort in the thought that I will never truly leave you. My spirit will remain and I want everyone to share in that comfort. (Or maybe I just fantasize it is a comfort)
With that I will end this post. I began with a sense of anxiety. Writing and sharing gives me a sense of peace. And again I find two more opposite emotions.

A Glorious Beach Day

It feels the best to feel completely alive! I just don't know how to explain it. My brain is as it should. I am having so much fun. Almost every one of my senses are active and acute. (I say almost because I always have that lingering neuropathy in my fingers. I guess nothing is really perfect.) But at the beach this weekend - I really felt the beach and lived the beach for the first time in a couple of years. Chemotherapy can really deaden your senses - but not this summer!
Now back to the beach. I really heard the ocean and all it's power again. I smelled the sea air and even the smell of seaweed brought a smile to my face. As there were complaints of too much seaweed on the beach I was able to chuckle and think "if that is your biggest annoyance then let your life go on." My ears were filled with muted conversations, squeals from children and adults alike as they ventured into the warm ocean water, radios blaring our beloved Red Sox' game, and the clear voices of friends and family making conversation and offering food and beverages. My eyes were wide open to look at the faces of new friends, old friends and family members all a year older and a year wiser, babies experiencing the sights and sounds of the ocean for the first time, and my beautiful strong Mario swimming out to the bouys with such stamina and confidence. Then how about the tastes of the beach. Yes! there are tastes. How about the ice cold Corona Light topped off with a lime, the salty snacks that everyone always seems to share, and the fresh fruit Ahh, nothing but refreshing!!!!! I felt the beach - I felt the pebbly, hot sand under my feet and on my hands, the cold of the ecean on my toes, that rock that you step on. Ouch, but oh such a good and familiar ouch. Then the sun, the wonderful, awesome feel of that miraculous ball of fire 93 million miles away! And who could not love the hugs and kisses of friends that we think about all year but tend to see on a seasonal basis. My senses were completely alive even though there was a little haze on my brain, not from chemo, but from the couple of bottles of Corona Light (comlete with lime). A haze that should be there on such a glorious day at Popponeset Beach.
As I was sitting there elated in my own world, some sadness with intertwined with warm memories crossed my mind. There were peole from years past that weren't there - Mr. and Mrs. Meuller who always took their late walk down the beach - Mr. Meuller who passed away a few years ago, then his wife not soon after. Then there were the Connely's. Mr. and Mrs. Connely were permanent features enjoying their house on the water. Both gone but the memory of them sitting on their deck, overlooking the ocean, greeting all as they entered the heavenly world just on the other side of the sea wall. Then Megan's father, Mr. Halloran. Although he has not been with us on this earth for many years his smiling face and talkative style passes through my mind. Jim Laroo, so young when he died. Husband of Lori, father of Greg and Kate. I remember many years ago about hearing the news of his brain tumor. - unable to do or say anything that could make things better. But I can still see him playing on the sand with his kids and mine and probably a few kids he didn't even know. Muriel Wade - another beautiful woman - she opened the beach, first one down there. Long gone but never to be forgotten. I think of the DeSimone's, Vera and Ted with memories that would make you cry because you felt such a connection. Vera, who never really went to the beach, and Ted, standing at the top of the seawall stairs as if overlooking his kingdom. And this year is was George Harris, Sr. Although sick for the last couple of years, he passed away last week. Friend, father, and grandfather. Physical prescence not there but his spirit will always live.
My senses were open, my thoughts were alive, my memories so clear. I thank my mother-in-law-and father-law for their foresight into the next generation in keeping their house at the beach not only for them but for their children and their spouses, their friends, their grandchildren, their granchildren's friends and on and on and on.
Although I have not traveled the world I cannot imagine a place more awesome than Popponeset Beach. A big thank you for Dr. Abrams, my oncologist who gave me the summer off from treatment so I can have "quality of life." He has a great understanding of quality vs. quantity - one that I share so immensely. Yes, I was there yesterday, at Popponest Beach, sporting my red lipstick and a periwinkle color two piece suit with my ghost right there sharing my whirling, hot, and sensational Corona laced mind.

Living in a Delusion

I think I am living in some sort of delusional world. I was told I had a terminal cancer 2 yrs. 8 months ago. I was really sick. Then I had surgery and I was sicker. Then I had a portacath placed for chemotheray and I was scared. Then I started chemotherapy and I was sick. But I fought and fought and would do my best to feel good in between treatments. In my delusional world I would feel great everyother week, not realizing how sick I really was (am). I enjoyed vacations with my family, vacations with my friends, holidays that I hosted, holidays that I didn't host. I've gone out to dinners, laughed a lot, increased my exercise progam, and continued to work. I'd put that red listick on and strut around. I would feel like life is pretty good. All the while I would keep referring to my delusion and ask the questions "How can I be sick? Do I feel like a woman with a terminal cancer inside my body? Do I look like a woman with a terminal disease?"

I'm on my quality of life chemo break and am loving it!! I'm living my delusional life of not being ill. It's much easier when I don't have chemotherapy to think about. I'm making use of every minute. I don't want to waste a second. Many times throughout this early part of my break I've asked again "How can I be sick?"

I'm wishing to live this delusion until the end. But there are times when reality sneaks in - that little pain on my right side, the curly hair on my head, on Sundays at Mass. But most often I live the delusion of health. Everytime a commercial comes on TV about a cancer center I say cancer is for other people, not me. Everytime I feel that little pain in my side I blame it on sit-ups, and during nighttime prayers when I pray for others with cancer, not thinking to pray for myself.

But something happened while I was at yesterdays Red Sox game. Pre-game ceremonies included a tribute to the riders of the Pan-Mass Challenge, a fund-raising bike-ride across Massachusetts to benefit the Jimmy Fund. I turned to my husband and said "Do I really have a disease that is so bad that billions of dollars are raised for the goal of finding a cure?" In my mind, I felt a silence and a little chill run through my body on a glorious sun-filled afternoon at Fenway Park. I think at that moment a little reality snuck into my delusional world. So there I sat - wearing a tank top to to show off my new-found muscles, with styling goup in my hair to show-off my new found curls, leopard print shoes to show my style, and red lipstick that adds to my smile and the reality of my life was bringing it all to an ugly state. I looked at myself and thought "what are you trying to prove?" I looked at my husband and felt like crying for his loss. I was never so happy to hear the words "PLAY BALL". I was snatched from reality and put back into my delusional world. And what a great afternoon it was!!!!

In a New York Minute

In the blink of an eye my happiest moments turn into such sad feelings. Every laugh that I have turns quickly into tears. Even a simple smile makes it way upside down and turns into a frown. You see, I am living day to day, moment by moment, trying to take in all the day has to offer. But everytime I feel joy then I become sad. I am not able to sustain the good feelings. When I think I am loving life then I think of losing my life - very sad indeed.
I was playing with my beautiful son Mario this weekend. We were laughing, being silly, acting like we were the only two in the world just loving each others company. It was a moment that made life worth fighting for. But then he said "This is another memory that I will have when you pass away." Silence, sadness in our hearts. But in that blink of an eye we were back to our silliness.
So now I realize it can work both ways. I can turn off my sadness because there is more happiness to enjoy. I wish that is was as flowing as the "happiness to sadness" feelings. "Sadness to happiness" requires effort. Hapiness to sadness just happens. My son Mario is so brave when he faces the sadness he feels but goes on to live his life carrying his great burden. He has taught me a lot and just keeps teaching me about how to stop my sad thoughts and just move on. So it's happiness to sadness and back to happiness again. It's a cycle. Thank you Mario for showing me the way back to my life - to live for the moment.
Oh how life changes in the blink of an eye. How quickly parents who teach their children become parents who are taught by their children. In a New York Minute everything could change. How those lyrics by the Eagles ring so true.
One more thing - I love you Mario (And that is one thing that will never change even after I pass away.)

I'm a ghost again. Watched my husband and son get ready for a wedding that was on MY side of the family. But I'm sick with Chemo. I can't go so my ghost get restless and went anyway. Saw my family asking Michael "how are you doing?", Are you doing OK with Mario", "Is it hard to live alone?" Michael was right to the point in answering these questions - "no", fine,", "Not so much hard but different." As he's answering the questions his mind is not there. All he keeps thinking about is that he just buried his wife last week, what am I doing at this "f#$%ing wedding!" My ghost yells "I'm with you baby but I miss you terribly." You see that when I'm a ghost nobody can see me or hear me but somtimes they feel your prescene. I think Michael did because I saw him smile for no apparent reason after I said those words. Be it me on this earth or my ghostly spirit Michael and I will always be connected. Our life together has been fun, stressful, full of suprises, complicated, and deep. We survived major crises and we lived through my illness to the very end. Dear Michael, if you can feel my spirit or hear my words I want you to know that I will always love you and my ghost will always be there to support you. We will stay connected forever.