Get Me That Lipstick

I've worked half of my forty hour week. It makes me feel alive, purposeful and useful. I get to forget about myself and think of the struggles and sometimes triumphs of others. But then I get into my car and all the repressed thoughts of the day come flying out of my brain and are now splattered all over the inside of my windshield. The "higher" I feel during the day the harder I crash and the bigger the splatter. (Yuck! That is an awful image. ) But as I tell many of my friends - I think in pictures and the more graphic the more I can understand.
So I'm going to keep busy and more busy. Then I'll crash and splatter, pick myself up again, dust myself off, hold myself together and all the while thinking how much I need that red lipstick again to paint that smile on my face. I so desparately want to look happy when I walk into my house.
Even days off from work give no rest. I'm off this Thursday so my plan for my day off is Provider Meeeting in the morning (even though I am off from work), followed by personal training session then I have a few hours without any plan. I am in a panic-alone with my thoughts just brings sadness - what can I do - can I read without drifting - how about going back to sleep, taking a nap - shopping, no I don't want to spend money, then I'll worry about money which is not even a major current concern - call someone for lunch, tried that but no one could make it - I need to have something to fill my time - I can't stop! Relax, and just breathe. Now aren't you tired and anxious after reading that. If not, read it again without stopping for punctuation signs. That is the feeling I get everytime I have empty time on my hands. So, back to my day. After those empty few hours I meet the school bus, take my son to an appointment, go to an open house at a friend's jewelry store, and yes, at 8:30 PM I have a vision field test and a nerve fiber test scheduled with my opthalmologist. Then in my car to face the splattering until I get home and take my ativan to fall off to sleep, praying for no metastisis, no pain and no tumor growth. I pray for others that are sick...I'm off to sleep. Thank you Ativan.
Now the morning comes. Same routine with the same words - Mario, what do you want for breakfast, Mario, do you want to buy lunch or do I need to make it, Mario, here are your clothes, Mario, did you brush your teeth, Mario, make sure you put your hat on. I love that boy (I wrote "little" boy but if he reads this someday I don't want him to think I thought he was little. I want him to know that he has been nothing but a very brave boy), he gives me a reason to keep fighting not only the cancer but this overwhelming sadness and anxiety that it brings with it. Now Mario is on his way to the bus and again I say the words I say many times as I am getting ready to go to work - Where the #$^% is that red lipstick!!!