LIFE vs. life

I feel that blogging my thoughts not only gives me a way to express myself but has the potential to become a living memory of me. I am sorry to express so much sadness in most of these posts but I can feel the "life" that I was given is slowly slipping by. I have the word "life" in quotes because I want the personal meaning to be exposed. By "life" I mean passion, spunk, pizzazz, personality. I guess what I mean is LIFE.
Day after day has been going by. My brain is full but my body cannot feel what my brain is telling it to. My body is so broken. It hursts to eat but it hurts to have an empty stomach. I whimper beyond control. The neuropathy is bad. My chemoport is so very ucomfortable. I cry when I see my children and husband. I cry when people are nice to me. I have such love for all those that support me. I've learned to make sure that I tell friends and family that I love them. I'm planning a party for myself. I want people to believe that I can still enjoy myself like the rest of them. Sometimes I wonder "who am I fooling." But in the same thought I realize I need to smile and laugh for there is no life without it.
So to thread the thoughts of this blog together - I feel the "life" in me slipping away. Ah, that sounds a little better than "life" slipping away. And as I wrote the words of the previous paragraph I realized that even though I feel it going I still hold on to it. The irony in my emotions keep me intrigued. I wonder what I am going to feel next. This I like.
But the physical pain and discomfort of all this is what is getting to me now. I thought I could handle it but I am learning quickly that I can handle just about any feeling that comes up. But to be in the midst of physical pain and trying to deal with it has got me stumped. The thought about numbing it with thoughts and feelings of flying pigs sounds good but then I lose the "life" that I so desparetely need.