The reality has set in and I, Rosanne Ameno, have a terminal disease. I have Stage IV colon cancer that has metastisized in a big way to my liver. It is inoperable and has no cure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There, I said it and now I lie in bed, wanting to sleep but the only way to fall asleep is to take my ativan. I have lots on my mind.
The dependence on medication that has been created is making me scared. What am I going to do? I'm not sick - I'm just a little "unwell". (Nick, I told you this would get that word in my blog) Take my medicine like a good little patient. I fight it. I make jokes about it. The flying pigs (usually morphine induced) are even getting boring. Today was my visit to the oncopsychiatrist - his position is to deal with patients with terminal cancer and help them cope with the feelings that come along with it. So more medicine. Again, good patient and take medication or don't even bother picking up the prescription.
I need to pull myself out of this funk that I am in. (I think I said the same thing a blog or two ago but this time a mean it.) So I look to my left and lying there is Mario my bonous boy, and next to him my Michael, the man I love and married over 25 yars ago. My beautiful Michelle is in Aspen for a few days, my handsome Jay went to UNH to spend the night with some friends. I love them all so much but believe it or not my family is one of the reasons I am in this space. I don't blame them - these are my slanted thoughts. "Isn't it ironic?" We are a family. I can't help but see their life going on without me. I see them as beautiful together. But I am old and ugly and just looking in . Damn it!!!! I helped create this family but I feel so dissociated from them, just watching from afar.
So I'll work towards integration because I am still here. I live and breathe and I am getting ready to go round 3 with this terrible disease. I'll just keep believing that I will live a long time. I'm not sick, just a little unwell. I will fight forever, right through old age. Maybe I should delete my first paragraph. Isn't it ironic?
Michelle, Jay, Mario, and Michael - if you are reading this after I am gone, just remember that I love you all very much and really wish I could grow old with you.
("Unwell" - taken from Match-Box 20)
("Isn't It Ironic" - taken from Alanis Morrisette)
Good night everyone. Tomorrow is another day. Rosanne
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You were such a great nurse, Roseanne...I was so upset when you told me about your situation...you gave me such amazing encouragement...we held each other TIGHT...now I follow your path since my own diagnosis...not sure yet what stage but truly believe I'm not a Four...I do miss you...I thought of you daily from that time on and was hugely saddened to read your obituary. You were an EXTRAORDINARY woman...and I miss you.
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