I'm going to spend this little block of time in complaint mode!!! Just skip this blog if it will bother you. I'm sick of being sick, I'm tired of being tired, I'm angry that I'm feeling angry, and I'm sad about how sad I am. There, I said all my complaints in very few words.
But if you chose to skip this passage then you are missing the best part. THANK YOU for listening. It is a very hard place for my friends and family to be in. And those that I trust have the "pleasure" of listening to me the most. I have been wondering out loud to a few members of my society of friends (Not the Quakers - I keep them for my breakfast ) as to whether I would rather die now than keep up this gruesome fight. There is something very peaceful when I think of dying and I am thankful for my belief in a very peaceful afterlife. But just giving up makes me a wimp and at this time in my life I don't want others to think of me like that. Ever read obituaries from those that died of cancer . They always stress the "brave fight." What if mine reads "She was quite wimpy in her battle..." My family and friends expect the fight to the finish, it's not over until the fat lady sings, it ain't over until it's over. Let me just ask one question - What if I just can't do it anymore??? Here come the tears, oh, oh they want stop, please dear Jesus, just help me to stop crying. I cannot hold these tears back from those that can understand.
So another way to look at things - taken last evening as advice from a sincere friend -(paraphrasing his ideas) I'm going to fight the depression I feel because once I get hold of the depression I might be in a better position to fight the cancer. So I'll continue to cry until my eyeballs stream from my brain and once the tears have flooded my existence I will pick myself up, dry myself off and get back into the ring with a different sparring partner. And once I defeat this emotional bastard that plagues my soul I will be ready to fight the real enemy that plagues my body.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Amen, Ameno. Amen. My only quibble is that I think the depression is worth fighting for its own sake -- the cancer just makes the fight more urgent. If it helps you fight the cancer, then we all benefit. But it is a powerful demon on its own that robs you of life while you're still alive.
ReplyDeleteAs for bravery, I'm afraid you are stuck with who you are. Which is someone who does keep working because it feels right to you. I'm thankful for this, and have learned so much from you since we met. So you know what? If you feel weak give yourself a break. Take ten seconds, or ten minute or ten days to decide you're giving up, and then I'd bet you'll get sick of giving up and start making poo poo train jokes again. Maybe THAT demon -- the demon of weakness and cowardice -- only lives while you are fighting it.
For most of us I think, ambivalence involves swinging between the extremes, sometimes indulging one, sometimes the other, until we have explored each in our mind and realize what we really want. Of course you feel ambivalence about more horrible chemo. Of course you feel ambivalence about the possibility of a shorter life that would come with stopping chemo. I don't see the problem with mentally exploring each -- letting yourself project into the future and live each path as openly to yourself as you can -- as long as you keep your real life decision making anchored in the here and now. If you follow the "wimpy" path in your mind -- no chemo, bowels heal, you get to stay working without interruption, more quality time hanging with Mario, with Michael and Michelle and Jay, with your friends, but then possibly more pain sooner, probably missing out on later years with all of these people and things you love -- I think you will come around in a circle to who you've always been. Which is someone who gets up every day and puts on her lipstick. But maybe after that lap you would have more energy to keep going.
I think there's an article in The Onion about "she was quite wimpy in her battle..." I'll try to find it.
My dear friend
ReplyDeleteI am so moved beyond words at your honesty. I just do not know what to say so I will just write - as it comes. Babble---maybe...but we've always been on the same wave length. I have a tendency to be so corny; at least that is what my family says :-). So "Did I ever tell you that you're my hero? You're everything I wish I could be." Quote for The Rose by Bette Midler. Rosanne. You have been and always will be an inspiration and a source of strength for me. You are a light that has been given to the world. Now I know that there are many people who shine in their world But you Rosanne; your light has reached beyond you little microcosm. I think of the programs you initiated and/or contributed to. I think of the many young girls who had babies that you guided and cared for. I think of the patients you have touched. You are a care given. You remind me of Saint Francis. You have been a channel for God and have asked for so little in return. You are so very brave. You have been brave everyday of your life and will be till the end. Ok so you don't feel so brave today and you wonder how much longer you can keep on going. I pray that this doesn't come off as trite or callous but embrace these feelings. Let them be. You "feel" so therefore you are alive. Lean on Jesus and try to remember when it is time to surrender you will know it; you will have His peace. God will not forsake you. Focus on the hear and now. Take you medicine like a good girl. Nurture your depression. Lean on others; lean on me. That's what we are here for. This is the time to let others console you instead of you doing the consoling. Help me learn from you even more than I already have. I love you...always. Lisa